There are 2 kinds of people in this world – one who divide the world into two kinds of people and others who don’t.

I don’t. Hence, I will talk straight.

So, there are 2 kinds of people in the world – One who are fat and others who become fat. There is a third, lifetime skinny, usually hipster category too, but as I said, I am not great at dividing the world into 2 kinds of people.

Being fat is different from becoming fat. Being fat is just accepting who you are, understanding your limitations of never having a hot girlfriend or for that matter, a girlfriend. Thus, you focus on your strengths like how to steal the shit out of every buffet you ever lay your eyes upon or how to be the sweetest cutest guy friend who drops every girl home while listening to all 500 fraandship proposal she got during the day. Apparently, every girls’ house falls en route for this guy irrespective of where she stays on mother earth.

I am different – I am on my way to become fat. It sounds like a trek to be completed just that in this case, I never wish to reach the summit. I am sure the view would be LITERALLY breath-taking.

Journey began six years ago during my MBA internship wherein my job role was:

Reach office, Leave for field work, Reach home, Stay home.

I also had a girlfriend so, you know, it was nice staying home. It was a good learning experience for both of us. *Ahaan, Sanskar Alert*

Becoming fat is like an internal defeat with yourself. It follows the ideology of “Matter over Mind”, where matter includes stuff like Hot Chocolate Brownie, delectable summer Mango shakes, while mind is constantly advised to Shut the Fuck Up.

Being a skinny dude forever & after years of making fun of fat people, you first realize the irony of life when your favorite pair of jeans refuses to go up any further above your thighs. With anger & disbelief, you vow to get back into your favorite pair of jeans in three months, and after three months – you buy a new pair of favorite jeans.

Here onward, You just repeat the process every few months.

Becoming fat is not the best time of your eating life and for a Delhi punjabi like me, we can safely extrapolate it to general life. Every pizza slice is accompanied with huge toppings of guilt & capsicum. After every meal, your stomach acts as if a balloon has just been filed with water. You spend extra time in the loo just to ensure minimum amount of shit is left inside as a contributing factor to your body fat. You are often found standing before mirror making obnoxious poses trying to come to terms with the new ‘U’ around your belly.

Eventually, when nothing seem to work, You just start spending more time with actual fat friends, just to feel better if judged on percentile basis

But I still have hope. As I said, I am still in the process of becoming fat, people cant see it yet, but only I know how the belt buckle has suitably refused to go in the usual third hole, but prefers the fifth one instead. It seems as if everybody gets bored of visiting the same hole over and over again!

I am still fighting the summer ‘Mango shakes’ & the year long love for ‘Hot Chocolate Brownies’, hoping that I will never be that fat guy who has to move out of the lift every time it beeps overweight, hoping no one will ever come and cuddle my blown up stomach while making comments about how it’s the world’s softest pillow.

I must admit that I have done it myself to fat people, but once I join their party, its time to make fun of skinny dudes like how they always… errr…little later ?

Lots of love to fat people

Originally Published HERE