Nathan and Sam were having a really great time. I wondered if I was the unwanted one now. I strode into the kitchen. I tried to conjure up pasta somehow. Sam came in.
“You don’t have to do this. Nathan is over-bearing at times.”, I said.
“Oh! No! Nathan’s a good kid. Smart and he is a dude! Accept it, Ana!”, Sam winked at me. I was shocked. Since when did Sam wink? He tasted the pasta and said, “Move!”. I obeyed. He took over the kitchen. I stood there watching as he cooked. Watching him cook was something I missed badly. He rolled up his sleeve. He looked worked-out. His shirt had creases. It must be Nathan. I was thinking to myself. Sam did not look at me. He looked happy and weird. And inviting.That was driving me nuts there. I decided to leave the room. I turned to leave.
“Oh so now you can’t stand me in a room?”,he said, not looking at me, sauteing the onions in the pan.
“No! Its that..Umm..I should go and check up on Nathan. Its that and nothing else”. Not your hot-‘hawt’ presence driving me crazy, I told myself.
“The boy’s good.He’s got much grey matter up there for his age.”, he said, not looking at me again.
“I am sorry,Sam, I don’t think I will be able to make it with you to the celebration. And you should go! You’ll be late.”, I said, looking down.
“Let the kid come with us”, he said.He put the pan off the stove and turned to me.
“Nathan can’t come. okay? I am sorry.”, I said.
“Stop saying sorry.”, he said.There was no expression on his face.
“What?”, I asked puzzled.
“You’re sorry that you love me. You’re sorry that you can’t accept that you love me. You’re sorry that you do not allow me to love you. You’re sorry for yourself because you still…”, he did not complete the line.
“Please go. You’ll be late. Its a big day. I don’t want to ruin it for you. Please”, I begged.
“You mean after you ruined everything else for me?”, he said. I could see the pain now.
“Sam! You said this was not you trying to fix things between us.”, I defended.
“Does it look so? Or does it look like you can’t take the guilt anymore?”, he asked me. Not even blinking once.
“Don’t do this. Don’t.”, I pleaded.
“I am trying here, Ana. The question is, are you?”, he asked.
“Okay. Stop right there. Today is not about us. Its about you. I can’t join you but I can let you go and have your big moments”, I said.
“You make my moments beautiful. You took that from me. Now this is what, a compensation?”, he asked.
The words hurt me.