After I took over Human Resources in my company (and I work for an investment bank so that happens to be a to-join company for many) I realised how many placement committees think it is easy to take recruiters out for a ride. Oh, the horror.

Let’s take an example. XYZ University is a well-known brand, runs a few b-schools, some at the top of the PaGaLGuY rankings, some don’t even make the shortlist: XYZIBM, XYZMS, XYZIM, XYZCMR, etc. XYZ itself is well-known in management circles, given its many illustrious alumni.

Last week a place-comm member of this ‘illustrious’ university called me. Here’s the transcript,

PCM: Hi sir, I’m calling from XYZ, and I wanted to speak to you about placements from our b-school. (Strike 1. Never assume managers to have time to discuss over a cold call.)

Me: Which XYZ are you talking about?

PCM: Er… Sir, XYZ University.

Me: Dude, stop monkeying around. XYZ University has ten schools under its association. Which one are you from?

PCM: Er… XYZMS. (Strike 2. If you’re trying to disguise your own school as the best from your parent university, I’m already unimpressed by what you have to offer. And never assume recruiters don’t know if XYZ is an umbrella brand or a standalone b-school. They always do.)

Me: Ok, now continue. First off, We don’t participate in corporate interactions. We don’t have a summer internship programme this season. We don’t hire students directly from b-schools. We have a minimum cutoff of two years’ post-MBA experience for an entry-level role. Anything else?

PCM: Sir, we do have experienced students, CFAs, CAs. Some of them even worked with KMPG prior to joining.

Me: (Thinking did he even hear what I said?) Dude, our minimum cutoff for an entry-level role is two years post-MBA experience. We don’t hire from b-schools. Is that clear?

PCM: Sir, we do have people who fulfil that criteria. If you could only meet with them for an interview. (Strikes 3 & 4. Stop arguing and pleading to come for placements. And never, ever, lie to recruiters. If your first batch has graduated in 2013, how can your students even meet the two years post-MBA experience criteria?)

Me: Hangs up.

When you guys join a placement committee during your MBA, remember the above strikes. To summarise,

1. Never enter the spiel directly in a cold call. Ask if it is suitable to speak, or ask for a call time.

2. Identify yourself and your b-school clearly.

3. Never assume your students meet the company’s criteria. Most won’t. Never, ever, lie. About anything.

4. Never plead and beg the company to come for placements. If you do, they’ll realise you’re a bad b-school, and either not come at all or squeeze you thoroughly.