An Anecdote From my Life

Jobs & Careers
44

'All my days are spent, All my cards are dealt, Oh, the desolation grows! Every inch revealed, As my heart is pierced, Oh, my soul is now exposed!'

The lines mentioned above will make more sense once you are done reading this article.

Just yesterday, I finished downloading a cartoon series called Top Cat. It took me 42 hours of downloading on a frighteningly slow internet speed (Let's keep my net speed out of this article for the time being) and you wouldn't believe my level of satisfaction once it was done. This particular cartoon has a very special place in my heart.

Back in the nineties, 1995-96 to be precise, when the Cartoon Network had caught every kid's imagination, I too was one of them. I would talk like the Space Ghost, imitate Mutley's sinister laugh while doing a prank, and ask for Spinach and Hamburgers (I had no idea what a burger was back then) in dinner all the time. I was no older than 6 back then, and those days Cartoon Network (CN) used to share air space with TNT. The last show on CN used to be Top Cat at 5.00 PM. Everyday I would sit throughout the show, pleading that the show never ends. And everyday at 5:30 PM, it would end with a BANG (If you remember the blowing up of the Cartoon Network logo).

Coincidentally that was also the time, my father would come home from office, and I used to longingly wait for my baba to come home and take me out cycling. I used to love spending those 60 minutes of cycle rides with my Baba. There was a farm house near my home, which had a family of 6 Labradors. Everyday, we'd go there in the evening and play with the dogs.

But all this, all these small memories that I am sharing with you, were long forgotten in the race to grow up. I didn't remember a single thing. Till yesterday. Till I saw Top Cat once again.

A new part opened up in me yesterday. A part of me which was longing for Top Cat to not end. A part which wanted to go on a similar cycling ride with my baba. A part which wanted me to be a six year-old again.

And that time is long gone now. I don't even own a bicycle now. I stay in the Western part of India, while baba is a whole three day train journey away from me. How much I'd want, the past will never come back.

So I replayed Top Cat once again, sitting in the balcony of my apartment, and let my imagination float.

I was never going to be a kid anymore, but the kid in me will always be there reminding me of the good times.

'So let your heart hold fast, For this soon shall pass, There's another hill ahead...'

Write an article in response here.

45

Wisdom is often mistaken for imprudence. Rationality for insanity. Hopefulness for ignorance. And optimism, as in my case, for pessimism.

One thing that appears mysteriously intriguing to me is the look of bewilderment when I say that I can't do the thing that people, purportedly expect me to do. And what follows next is the barrage of some highly probable and monotonous questions: Why so cynical? Why this self-belittling? Why don't you believe in yourself?

Okay, first of all- I do believe in myself, I do trust myself, but not for those things that the world expects me to do. And secondly, When I say that I can't do a specific thing, that DOESN'T always mean that I am being despondent or am selling short of myself. What people label as 'self distrust' or pessimism is often the truth that I have tried to hold back for perhaps, too long. When I say that I cant fulfill the imposed task, that means that I don't want to do it and THAT, is because I really can't. And that, is because for the first time, I am trying to pull those scrambled bits of truth together that reflect that I am not meant to conform to their misconstrued standards of 'optimism'. At least I am not trying to cajole myself into believing that I can do all those whatever's, because I know that I can't. And I because I know that I wouldn't. And because I don't want to.

And yes, not everybody sees what I see.It might be a case of some revolting negativity for them, but ask me, that's everything I need to wipe out the dilemmas and distress that I am grappling with. For it is that sheer 'negativity' that could propel me to tread on the 'other' path. The one which would conform to my standards of living.

This is how I see myself- an emerging optimist, or a fading pessimist.

Or maybe, a negative optimist.

46

Read First Part Here !!!!

Sometimes, I feel like that God locked me in such a black glass box through which I can see this complete world, and no one can see me. I can feel what they go through but none can feel me. I can see them laughing sharing their happiness but no one cares whether I am happy or not. When the people out are happy gives me a little smile burying the extreme pain inside for not even been able to share my smile with anyone. It all goes inside this black glass. I get all those feelings that they can feel, yet I am so isolated.

I cry alone for me and for their pain. I smile alone when they are happy. I scream in this loneliness that I want to be happy, I want someone to be there with me when I am in pain, when I am in tears. Want someone to wipe off my tears. I am screaming for help but none can hear my voice. Its all me inside, its all my loneliness inside.

Living in the walls of your own thought consisting all the emotions waiting to burst out, but nobody knows whats up with you, that's where you lived that anonymous life. Look at the faces around and ask yourself is there anyone like you, who you think he/she knows you ? And they might have the similar question in their heart too. So that's how we all are different in this world with different feelings, different beauty, different intelligence and everyone is unique ! So do you and so do I.

So never judge anyone on your understanding. Give as much love as you can. Because they need more of love than you so don't hate them.I sit back at the glass and watch days passing by including all festivals and occasions, nobody ever wished me a good day but I wish them all. I ask myself, why I had been hated for too long yet I am surviving in this hope that someday, someone will be a part of me, will share all that I have got. And will give me all their love just to see me smile once.

I know that someone, will never let me die alone being anonymous. Don't know when but one day I will share this anonymity with someone anonymous like me.Do you wait for someone like that ?

47

The bell has rang to broke my calm sleep. I am forced to open my eyes. I can see the watch lying on the table next to me. It is a perfect noon. And still 4 more hours to go. Now what am I supposed to do with so much of free time? I am already getting bored :(

Perhaps, I am going to spend my time thinking of my glorious past, just as I do every other day. It was when I really enjoyed every moment of my life, the time when I was proud to belong to my master. The time when he worked, and took me everywhere he would go. I could see so many places, meet so many new people. :) Get wet in rain, enjoy the breeze. Sometimes even bath in sun! Those were the happy days of my life.

I remember the time when my owner's grandson had come. He had taken me on a date! I very vividly remember, he took me to a five star hotel! And his girl...! She was so beautiful! I couldn't take my eyes off her! But anyways, she never realized it and thankfully, even he didn't. Otherwise he wouldn't have taken me on beach with his other friends! ;)

The owner still likes me and tries to take me out. But there are no more new places to see, no more new faces, or beautiful girls to meet. :( The same old garden, same old (literally) people and their lame jokes. That too just twice a day. It is once in the morning at 9 and then directly in the evening at 4. And if at all it is raining heavily or the sun is too hot, he prefers sitting home and watch TV. In fact I am of no use to him except, as a support while walking and to frighten off the street dogs.

So, there is nothing much to look forward in life. It is just me and my friend, Mr. Wristwatch, lying on the table, wondering what's going to happen next in our lives.

49

Here i am surfing the net at 2.00 am in the morning and it catches my attention , a post on FB for the second time in the last one month or so "E-Squared :Nine Do-It-Yourself Energy Experiments That Prove Your Thoughts Create Your Reality" that says that its a good read and a new world wide hit for Spiritual readers. Having an inclination on the subject of" Thoughts and Reality" the craving for owning a copy intensified exponentially.I re-read the reviews ,searched for online buying, found out that the price is way higher than what i had expected.While my mind played havoc on the dilemma of whether to buy it now or wait for some more time , i clicked on a link where it gave a glimpse of a few pages of the book. Actually its a brief view of the 9 experiments that prove the theory that" Thoughts create reality"

I read the first one where it says "You're going to demand a clear , unmistakable sign, something that cannot be written off as coincidence." Its an ultimatum to the basic principle on which the whole book is based.Basically what it says is, “There is an invisible energy force or field of infinite possibilities. ” The experiment could best be described as an ultimatum. You're going to give the force exactly 48 hours to make its presence known.

So i say to myself "I will give it a shot and if it works i will order a copy otherwise i will just wait for it when it hits the local market". What i demanded was quite impossible and stupid at the same time but how could you actually believe in a system if it cant deliver what it supposedly promises to deliver. I demanded "A free e-book version of the book itself" and that too within 2 hours.As the book has just been released , hoping to find a free e-version is just next to impossible.

I began my search and kept on surfing for more than 1.5 hours (torrentz.eu,bay torrent,kickass..et.al) and just when i was about to give up hope, VOILA the magic link appeared . I downloaded it and verified that Its a true copy(pdf) and its totally free.So the first experiment does work. In case you are wondering about the topic of this article well the first experiment/chapter of the book is "The Dude Abides Principle".

50

Who is a mother?

Mother is the one who left her life for the 9 months you were inside of her. Just imagine a bus journey in which you have felt like vomiting for the entire duration. Now imagine it for 9 months.

Mother is the one who went under unbearable pain during your birth to get a glimpse of you.

Mother is that little girl who left all her dreams and ambitions to make you able to pursue you dreams.

Mother is the one who woke up in the middle of night even at the hint of you crying.

Mother is the one who knew you were hungry before you knew yourself.

Mother is the one who listened whole day you blabbering about everything and anything.

Mother became the big sister whenever you need one.

Mother is the one who considers her day successful if you had your stomach full and at time.

Mother is the one who scolded your school for making you carry a big school bag.

Mother is the one who rubbed your feet after you played whole day when her body was paining.

Mother is the one who always gave you something extra hiding from your father.

Mother is the one who saved you from your father's punishment.

Mother is the one who bears the pain of staying alone after hearing and bearing whole day, your childish pranks for 20 years so that you may pursue you dreams.

Mother is the one who wait whole day for your single call which you many times forget without giving a thought.

At last, I want to say Mother is still that little girl who has beared all the responsibilities and burdens in the world to see you smile and has never uttered a word.

For you, she maybe just the first girl of your life but for her, you are the last guy of her life.

The least you can do is to try to make it worth for her.

51

“Teaching how to fish is better than providing fish” that's the basic mantra of mentorship.

The word “mentor” comes from “the Odysseus”, written by the Greek poet, Homer.

As Odysseus is preparing to go fight the Trojan War, he realizes he is leaving his only heir, Telemachus. Since Telemachus is still a child, and since wars tended to drag on for years,

Odyssey recognizes that he needs to be coached on how to be king while Daddy is off fighting.

He hires a trusted family friend named Mentor to be Telemachus' tutor. Mentor is wise & sensitive.

He gives the mentee a chance to explore themselves by way of getting advice and feedback from the mentor. The mentor is one who never gives a direct solution but pushes someone to a bag full of solutions. They never give a ready-made serving but believe in self-service system.

I did my internship in a reputed Leather Export House based in Chennai (in Design & Merchandise Department) under the mentorship of General-manager of the factory in year-2010. When I joined the factory as an internee with full of fear & excitement in me it was the mentorship only which made me comfortable. It gave me sense to understand the environment in which I was trying to thrive in.

On my first day the mentor gave me a parental touch which helped me suggest to him a particular designing solution in sampling department order which later on got converted in to an international consignment. It was like to giving a good shot on the first ball itself not by coaching but by sheer motivation of my mentor. Why this happened not because I was very intelligent and prompt but I was given the chance, the authority, the trust, the space required and the parental touch which motivated me one way or another.

I was new to professional life & factory environment was completely new to me.I had never seen 5oo workers working under one roof in different divisions but for one goal .

But it was the mentoring only which tuned me to the treble and bass of production floor. I was given the full freedom and support to utilise all the resources in the factory from raw material procurement to workers support.

The role of any mentor is like a gardener in the orchid. It is he/she who gives us a chance to bloom and blossom in a harsh-odd environment. The whole credit goes to them for our success in an organisation. They create a niche for us to thrive in the odd times by way of exploration and self-help.

52

It seemed like any other day. I had returned from the office. I was just wondering what to do next and the door knocked. Who is it? Who would come to visit me in this lonely place? May be it's Sam, my only friend here. Excited, I opened the door and found a 10 yr. old boy standing with a tiffin. He said, "Saab, apka tiffin". I almost laughed at Saab. I let him in and decided to chat with him. His name was Shankar. He belonged to a village in Haryana. His father sent him to Delhi to work and earn whatever he could. I asked him about school. He looked down and said he used to go to his village school and liked it very much. I asked him to leave.

He left my room but certainly not my mind. I sat there thinking why this 10 yr. old has to work whereas I used to go to school at his age. I hated school but was made to go there daily and this boy loves it but is made to work. I read in civics that there is a law which bans employment of children under 14. But is this one too meant to be broken? I wondered who should take up the cause of such children. Should I do it? I certainly earn more than I need. I can comfortably put aside a small sum for this. But what will happen to the iPod for which I've been saving for months? No, I can't do it. I have just started my career and I can't be thinking of all this.

Ggrr grrrrrr.. It's that drilling machine again. In the neighborhood, a pot bellied marwari is expanding his house. He sits all day in his chair smoking beedi and yelling at the laborers. He seems very rich to me. Why doesn't he help Shankar? Why is he building another storey when he already has two? He can make a school instead. But then what will the government do? If it can't enforce its own laws what's the use? In States you dial 911 and it's done. Do we have such a number? I sat in my room very confused and disturbed. Suddenly there was a knock on the door. Is it the marwari? Was I loud? Did he dial 911? I opened the door again and found Shankar again. He had come to take the tiffin back. I saw some chocolates on my desk. I gave them to him. He smiled and said, "Thank you, Saab". This was it. That smile took away all my anguish. I happily went to bed humming,

Kisi ki muskuraahaton pe ho nisaar

Kisi ka dard mil sake to le udhaar

Kisi ke vaaste ho tere dil mein pyaar

Jeena isi ka naam hai

Neil Armstrong said, "That's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind."

He was right.

53

I got calls from 2-3 B-schools last year. Here, is one of my experiences.


It was 2-minute interview. Still a Nightmare!

54

Let me start by mentioning the obvious. There was a time long before social interactions were affected by technological innovations, when letters of love used to make the lover or the beloved skip a thousand beats by repeated reading of that handwritten letter till the next one arrived. Some of the world's best known personalities have written unforgettable love letters to people who have inspired them or made them a better human being through this experience called "love."

I personally remember reading some of those great love letters by Keats, Mozart, Beethoven, Napoleon, Lord Byron, and many more distinguished personalities. These are names from the history, but I don't think the idea of that special letter was lost a long time back. I guess we lost the finesse when we/our worlds got more connected via technology. Somehow, we are today too busy to "share" all about ourselves and it might be tough to write something beautiful for that special someone we all have.

So if I had to write one today for a beloved whom I intend to reiterate my love, I have the option for texting her/buying her flowers etc. Anything but writing a handwritten letter. However, let me type one for this occasion. It is a hypothetical one and doesn't address anybody dead or living.

Dearest

I wish I could be telling these words sitting next to you, holding your hands and looking into those eyes that makes my whole world beautiful.

I wish I could see you smile. It is something I miss every moment, but while I miss you, my heart also gets to feel this amazing amount of love for you. I know I sound crazy but this is true.

I have always known that loving you would cause both happiness and pain, and I have chosen to open my heart to both. My heart now knows what it means to be happy, as it also knows the darkness of pain. But my love, I promise you, that I will always love you and beyond what I may receive my heart will always beat for you.

You came into my life like long due showers come to a barren land. Everything changed. And I know that I have never felt more "alive" before this.

To love is to want you for myself, but I would ask you this - "can I be yours forever?". This life will always be incomplete without you. However, the light of your love will always be there inside my heart.

Always yours

XYZ

So do we have a lost legacy? Or are we all too "practical" to write "cheesy" things on a sheet of paper? Have we stopped believing that we can actually feel such elevated emotion? Are we all running scared? What will it take to connect with our human selves, emotions, romance, and everything that's non-technical?

55

Well one thing which reminds me of my college days is "breaking bad"...suggested my one of my classmates..i began watching it in final year...and after watching few episodes i became mad about it.."Jessy",a silly yet an intriguing character and the main protagonist "Mr. White" surely had something which person gets addicted to..Long nights spend in watching every episode of the series..the pangs of excitement increasing with every new episode...The most commendable part was the efforts put behind the plot and twists and turns in the full series..Though it has come to an end now...it still remains an integral part of my life because of reminiscences of my good old days...Well I am downloading and beginning the series again...It was a mesmerizing sitcom but ended with a note " All bad things must come to an end"..reminding us to keep this stance in life always because whatever bad you do it surely comes to an end....

56

Dear Beloved,

You & I were never as 'disconnected' as we are today. Our past has had some wonderful moments & when I recall them, all I recollect is a great chemistry of two soul-mates who were ready to be buried into ashes for each other. You always kept the flame of our love ignited between us even in the busiest of your schedule and I admired your love during your high and lows. I was always a drag away whenever you needed me. I supported you in your fights; admired your amity. Those good-night kisses, those early morning meets all were just good enough to end oneself in smoke for living even a single moment like that, and I did the same. I ended myself in smoke for your love. I burned myself down to ashes in your service. A drag, deep inside you, started being the only thing I existed for.

Slowly, the things started changing. The moments we had once cherished, turned into the routines that were bound to occur even without the slightest of the feeling to enjoy them. The love in the air that was once like a never-ending kindled flame, started diminishing in the smoke of its own fire. You started repenting our relationship and I apparently became the biggest disaster that had ever happened to your life. You avoided me, you cursed me, but nothing worked out. Our love was strong enough to survive through all this and it did survive through all this many times in the past. It did survive through the adverse movements of clock. It did survive beyond the excruciating sandstorms of bad times and I was proud of my relationship with you.

But these days, I am missing that spark in our relationship. Those undue disruptions have certainly affected our chemistry like a tyrannical daemon. You don't like me anymore the way you did in the past. You are learning to live without me and this fact is teasing me painfully. I feel cheated. Those unconditional promises, those extensive desires, have suddenly started appearing unworthy of it. The feelings of losing an integral part of my life that I had once found in you have started hovering over me, making me depressed, helpless, and all broken. I beg almighty for your mercy, your attention and your love but all I get in return is a void response. Hence, I finally decided to write to you, the gravest of my feelings from the bottom of my heart. I know, this letter might not mean much to you as your own life is the only thing you are concerned about these days. But who cares? Firing my passions up, in the service of your selfish desires is the very thing I have done all my life so one more time would not matter much now. Still in a hope to get you back, I put my pen down for the last time.

Yours Selflessly-

"A Burning Cigarette"

57

I've seen many people in my life who stare at their mobiles and blush, have a grin like a hanger stuck up in their mouth. Probably they found something really cute or something really very humorous.

Thanks to the mobile companies which have introduced emoticons, so that we indirectly say how we feel towards something. But, wouldn't it be even more interesting if the messages are self written, the emoticons are something which you drew? For me its a definite YES.

I just saw (prior to the start of this article) a short film which was so cute where people exchanged messages (which were self written) with the help of a magic bag. It made me realize what I'm currently missing in my texting life. It is the modern technology which has totally changed my mind set. I do remember those days when I had to 'write' something. These days all I do is 'type' something.

Ofcourse technology has reduced a fair amount of stress upon us. But wouldn't it be great if we used our own hands to write something to do something, atleast once in a while. Food for thought!!

For all those who want to know how cute hand written messages are:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=75wNgCo-BQM

58

It was a gusty day with wind blowing forcefully all through, making leafs depart from their abode. The sun vanished, clouds roared as though men have intruded into their territory and captivated their beloved so they are doing it in reprisal. As night approached, the savagery of the bracing wind reached the acme, lacking even a grain of empathy with humans. People closed their doors, shun their windows, moved their stuff inside and locked themselves to prevent any harm.

Amidst, there was I standing on the terrace of the fifteen floor apartment building where I reside. Shirtless! As these fierce winds have a very close bond with me and when they manifest themselves, they always bring me a gift of melancholy. A nostalgic pain runs all through me without giving me respite for a long while. I stood reluctantly facing the harsh blows blowing past me kissing my chest as though they were intent to blow me off but I was determined to hold still. Enamored was I! After quite a few time, exhausted with playing the imperceptible war, I lay down and lost in my thoughts.

“What the heck do you think you're doing, moron? Do it the way I want else face the consequences.” I roared at the over smartness of one of my employees. I was the CEO of a multinational firm blessed with everything I ever wanted in my life. I had a spacious office with Italian marbles installed aesthetically, the fine glass windows, a cozy chair with a supercomputer placed in front of me. Through the window, one could experience the soft and mysterious plays of the endless ocean, with waves going up as the moon lured them, the next moment going down to meet it back as they sensed the trickery of the moon and realized their love for the ocean. It was midnight and I was enjoying every moment having worn the Versace's exclusive business suit specifically designed for me.

At the door, I heard a sweet voice asking my permission to come in. I pressed the remote button to open the door. She was, well, the Bond girl Bernice Lim Marlohe! She came to see how I was doing. We sat beside the window, hand in hand while the ingenuous sea waves played with her hair and I watched the beauty in its extreme with calmness. I felt ecstatic. It was a real paradise.

All of a sudden, an old lady's voice echoed “Sonny, get up! You are supposed to write CAT today. Ain't you getting late????”

Suddenly my lady vanished, next the sea, next my office , at last my Versace's exclusive suit and I was banged on the rigid surface of the terrace from the paradise with the sun grinning at me stood over and my mom bolstering the grinning stood beside . I woke up saying “ C'est la Vie” , CAT is yet to write.

Best Wishes to all CAT'13 aspirants. Go-Get it!

59

Dearest Father

I never wanted to share my words with you this way, yet I am up with pen on this because you didn't leave me any option other than this or partially because I am confined, to talk to you tete-a-tete, and reclusive.

In so far I remember, I never talked to you except formally at par with you. There is no memory of you treating me in any way. No happiness, no wrath, no grief, no concern or the least what I could ever figure out by seeing you was a wholesome void. You never kept this attitude to any other member in our family or to the society but you were the gregarious person. I never saw any initiative triggered on your side to bridge this gap with your son, to know at least what in my life, I was going through.

I am not a neglected or disowned child by my family and interestingly I am the apple of your wife's eye and I am cared too much than I really deserve by your daughters but I can't figure out why you always maintained this apathy to me which often surfaces a pang in my heart of being bête noire to you.

I recollect nothing like I ever abused you or refuted your concerns. I was always exasperated in seeking the reason for this numbness of you towards me. And to your numbness, I failed. I always watched children walking on the streets, hand in hand with their father, tempting towards toys, toffees and stubbornly asking for them. When father couldn't afford any of those temptations of their child, I remember him slapping his child. I really enjoyed those little speculations and felt the father's affinity towards his child. I always wished if I could ever feel the same in real. To your numbness, I failed. I dreamt of you lifting me up in your arms but when I woke up in reality, I failed.

Even when I am writing this, your numbness and my let- you- down deeds are capable enough to wet my eyes and restrict me to embrace you once, just once so that I could cry my heart borne grieves out on your shoulder. I just don't know how to break this barrier and merge two different streams. If I couldn't do this, I know, I am always going to repent my whole life. Initially, I thought it to be the generation gap but later I realized that feelings of love, affection are not bound to any generation. If this was the case, your daughters were no different than me.When they can embrace your love then why not I? I Hope someday you could open my laptop and read it because, I know, I am not brave enough to hand it to you personally. This time I want you to be the change and bring the change around.

On chimera with your love,

Your Prodigal Son.

60

lol what you lookin at boy, go make some money.

61

Its 6:30

I go out

It a wonderful evening

It's a blissful evening


The gardens are lush green

And so are mountains covered with green trees

The rivers go around with a subtle flow

Sweet chirping of birds makes me mellow


At one sweep, I cross the country side

And beautiful huge buildings run beside

The roads are nice and clean

Marvelous cars on them make for a sight to be seen


I feel good, I feel powerful

It seems I could do more than handful

In one moment I experience a jet, the other a submarine

All the different sights I see, make my life serene


Suddenly hoards of people run pushing me aside

To help the wounded man lying by the roadside

The people seem screaming, but I can't hear anything

And then I realize I got a tablet & an earpiece sounding


I see the road, it's covered with potholes

It's all the same as I see back and forth

I walk everyday, with my tablet and earpiece

But these deadly potholes I never notice


This has become my life – all virtual should I say

Busy on the tablet – from reality I run away

This self-absorbed lifestyle doesn't really bother me

Just afraid to say sorry, when my child questions me

- Jayesh Nikam

62

Have you ever felt like ending everything that has come to existence, everything that is alive and breathing, even the things that are dead only that in your head they have a life. Have you felt like crushing down that brick holding the building from falling and watch that building scowl and feel pain when it comes down because you have destroyed it's only link to existence.

You feel a sense of belonging when you stand in the ruins of something you have destroyed, you have been there when her heart was heaving with her dying breaths, you can see the air inside her fighting to come out and crawl its way to you and perhaps ask you the only important question it has to ask- Why? Why do you smile, even when you know that it is all about to end for you? If it only had eyes you could see the agony of having survived this long and the sheer pleasure of having been finally relieved and the curiosity about the madness it sees in your eyes.

You feel light, you start rising up and the ruin below fades into a old photograph, hanging in an unrest in the gallery of gloom. And then when you think it's going to end, and you will finally be at peace, you are pulled back down by the rope of memories tangled in your feet, and as you come down you are reminded of the life you were meant to live; the exact thing that you wanted to run away from, the very thing you would have thrown in a pit, poured gasoline upon and finally ignited a spark and dropped it in that pit and watch the flames creep up, watch them rise above you and take the shape of a monster dying in the agony of not having fulfilled its destiny, and you would have smiled.

I often wonder if I'm suicidal, I wonder if my brain has unhinged himself and have become a being capable of having his own separate thoughts, thoughts that he would not share with me, oh no! he doesn't ignore me outright, he asks me questions about a certain purpose of my existence and sends me to chase which I don't think I will return from, but in my heart, I know I want to, if only, I could fight my demons and perhaps share a glass of wine with them on merry table and force them to let me be, and create something I'd love, something I'd live for, something for once I would never destroy.

63
Ginger

You may think the cat in the above photograph is cute or whatever, I think he is plain mean.

We were friends till about a year ago, and very good friends that too - we've grown up together. We played 'catching-cook' in the Champaklal Building compound, raced up trees and even shared scraps. But my mother always warned me that two male cats can never be friends and one day this friendship would come to an end. I always laughed back at her.

But she was right. One not-so-fine day all this came to a grinding halt, when a beautiful feline visited the building next to Champaklal.

We both saw her and stepped forward to make our introductions but my friend who calls himself Cheetah (because he think he looks like one) turned to me and said: "See I am the better looking of the two of us. It is best you back-off."

The words pierced through my skull as if a thousand bells tolled at the same time. I stepped back. Cheetah went ahead and I walked back to our hide-out under the Banyan tree.

I dozed off and it was some 9.00 pm when I awoke. Cheetah was nowhere in sight. It was dinner time and since Cheetah and I always went on a food- hunt together, I waited for him. An hour passed but still no sign.

Just then, Benji, the fat Labrador who lives down the road walked by. I asked him whether he had seen Cheetah and he said he had, with a bitch and "they were having a good time together."

I slipped under a car and decided to wait for Cheetah. I dozed off again, this time in hunger. Cheetah came in at about 4.00 am. I was relieved and told him that we had to hurry with our food search since it was time for the garbage van to come along to empty the garbage cans. Cheetah said he had eaten with 'her' and he just wanted to sleep it out.

Cheetah woke around 9.00am. I told him I had not eaten but we could still start playing if he wanted. He was not interested. "I have a date today as well, so it would be good if you find our own food."

Cheetah walked away from me. After a few steps, he turned around and said: "You have to stay away from all the female cats in this locality. You also have to stay away from the food. The garbage cans here belong to me, go somewhere else and find food."

I was knocked for a six. My mother's words had come true.

Today, Cheetah considers me enemy and attacks me at the slightest of instance, though I do not go after his women, or food. Every few days I am bruised. This time my paw is swollen. Cheetah likes to feel king. My time will come too.

64

Hey Mom,how are you?How are you doing?

So many times in my own misery,my thoughts drift towards you and I discover,how selfish I have become.Is it the quest for abundance ? or is it my self suffering that is taking me away from you,I really dont understand, for I sit here without anybody to support me through my dilemna.

But I tell you this Mom,I love you very much,more than anything in this world.As I write thiscaricature of my own feelings,a series of memories pass through my mind.

When I look back to the distance I have come from and the pastures I have travelled,I see your grace and love to me during all journey.I can see how you supported me,when no one in this world even failed to recognise my pain.I do remember,how you took care of me during all my difficulties paying a blind eye to your own whims.The way you spent your days doing what is good for me regardless of your own moods and desires,brings a tear of envy .

Mom,I know you have expectations from me.I do realise the phase of life you are experiencing now,being away from you melts my heart.Your desire,to be with me is a command to me.I do realise this desire of yours lingering behind your innocent smile and the nostalgia behind your silence.At the same time,I see your trust in me,your support for me,in my quest to bring happiness and goodness to everybody.Its my promise to you that I would come and take you to the palace of our dream where you will live amid opulence gloating at the Life we will then have.Till then trust me Mom,let your grace and blessing be with me.

I love you Mom.