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An Anecdote From my Life

Jobs & Careers
190

Approaching exams. Worried parents. Irritating friends with or without their counterparts. I had every reason to forget about him and the ambush. I had more pressing matters that increased heart rates other than the adrenaline-d attack by Sam,I mean the "hawt" hot guy. I was home mostly. Studying mostly. Thinking about him was rare. It happened but it was rare.

"Dad, do you by any chance happen to know what PO1 can possibly mean?", I asked him. He asked me to forward the doubt to my Coaching Institute's mentor. "Wow!", I laughed out loud, "and what? Embarrass myself?". I google-d and Wikipedia told me that PO1 is a Class 1 Petty Officer. "Oh!". I studied a lot about the class and the work and found out that there's a ship deployment camp two hours from the place I was staying then. I wondered if I could find him there. I wondered if it was actually necessary to find him in the first place? I decided not. I google-d down the address. Well, in-case.

The next thing I know. I am standing at the gate. And what I saw was that almost every person was well-built and awesome-looking. I even wondered if we were some third-grade humans to leave an existence so dull. Every person on the ground commanded respect and that would even make you believe that "irresponsible(that what we mostly are)" is not even a word!

"How can I help you, Miss?", asked a man, who was stout and well-toned(Bulky and fierce).

"I am looking for Sam.", I said, regretting my decision to show up.

"There's no Sam here.",came the reply.

"He is a Petty Officer Class I.", I tried to get myself together.

"I am sorry,Ma'am but there's no one named Sam here and civilians are not allowed inside without permission, so you should leave.", he said in a firm voice.

"Thank you. Sir. Umm.. You're right. May be I am wrong. But thank you.". He nodded. I left the area. I was getting on my bike. "I should not have come here!", I told myself. Somewhere I wished I could see him and know what happened that day. Just then, a truck slowed near by and a man,(one of them, in uniforms) got down and walked towards me.

"You're the girl with Sammy!", he said coming towards me.

"Oh! Yes I am that girl but I was not with him. I mean I was with him but not really with him", (part of me wished I was), I was rambling."Where's he?", I collected myself.

"He left a month ago. ", the man said.

I had this feeling again. That intense feeling. "Where'd he go?", I asked.

"That's all I can tell you, Ma'am.",said the man.

He left with a void in me.

~More to follow

191


192

There he was. Right in front of me. He looked as appealing as ever. As fresh as ever. As perfect as I had seen him. The eyes were sharp as it was that day, but today they told a completely different story. I could not understand quite.

"Why would you come looking for me?", he asked in a polite tone.

"Where were you? You were gone.", I asked, ignoring his question.

"Answer me. Tell me. Why did you come to the boot-camp? You were looking for me, weren't you?", he asked. Our eyes locked.

I could not understand what had been going on. I did not want to answer. All I could think about was to touch his face. I wanted to touch his face. And yes, I was thinking about kissing him. I had never felt this way. I was embarrassed as well as filled with passion at seeing him after this long, after I had almost given up the hopes.

His lips parted. Looked like he was about to say something. But he did not. He kept looking at me but in-vain. I stood there thinking about how the touch would be. I was not thinking about anything. Not my folks. Not the little kids playing next to us. Not the two odd boys staring at us. I just wanted to touch his face. I did not understand it frankly. I just knew I had to do it, not for him, but for me.

I walked up to him. He cringed a little. I wonder why. I am the most innocuous person one would ever come across. Even Jesus Christ would make me his brand ambassador. His cringing made me want to touch him more. I could not help but touch his face. My palm brushed his jaw bones. He cringed into my hands. He held my hands which were on his face.

"You read. You read all the time. In the car. At the party. On the way. Everywhere. You're buried in books!" , he said without any expressions. This time I cringed. I retracted my hands.

"What?", I could not understand why he said that. I know I am always with books. So what?

"You never saw me.", he said. He was standing exactly where he had been.

I did not understand. I did not know what to say. So I kept looking into his eyes. I knew he would say more. Make it more clear,perhaps.

"You laugh while you read. Your brows go narrow and you become tense. You smile. All while you read".

'Try giving CAT!', I wanted to tell him but then gave up the idea. "I..",I tried to form a coherent sentence.

"Let me finish,please. You do not see me. I want you to look at me. I want you to notice me. See me.", he added.

He came forward and held my hand. "And its the job."

I could not help, I burst out laughing.

193

"Hmmm", I smiled. I heaved a sigh of relief.

"I read. I read all the time. Agreed. I smile while I read. Agreed. I grow tense while I read. Agreed.I am buried in books. Agreed." I paused.

I was about to make the big revelation. I was just trying to decide whether it should be 'plain and decent' or 'hot and dramatic'.

When I was a kid, my aunt had a valve replacement and she had to chose between a swine-valve and a bovine-valve. She asked me "Pig or Cow?". It got drilled in deep. Since then this helps.Funny though. 'Pig or cow? Pig or Cow? Pig or Cow?', I asked myself.

"Pig or Cow?", Ooops that came out loud.

"What?", he said, puzzled. He had signed in for a lot of crazy. Well, it was his fault. He wanted me to "see" him. No-doubt he was driving-crazy kind of hot. "Cow!", he said quickly when he saw that I was fidgeting.

"I see you. I see you in every sense. Yes, I read but I see you. I saw you that day and I am seeing you right now. I went there for you. I wanted to see you, Sam", I breathed. God! I felt like Mary Poppins. That was freaking-long! I suppressed my urge to roll my eyes. And the next thing I know is I am pinned to the wall again. But this time and then, I knew I enjoyed that.

"You see me.", he said. His eyes pierced me. I wanted him to free his grip. I was not used to being held. Or touched. Or kissed. I had never been.

"I see you. PO1 ", I smiled.

He left my arm. There were few awkward moments of silence. Weird minutes. "What's with the pig and the cow?",he asked.

"Oh! Uh...It's a family thing", I said. I did not want to explain.

"Do YOU see me?", I asked.

"I did.I do. All the time. Even when I left. I am glad you came looking for me. I see you too, Ana", he said, resting his forehead on mine.

"Where'd you go?", I asked. My heart skipped a beat on hearing my name.

"I was on deployment. I work for the Navy, which I think you already know", he freed me. "I have to go. Its time to report at the camp. I'll see you later?", he asked, wishfully.

"We'll.", I said. His nose nudged mine. A breath or two intertwined and I lost the touch. He looked back twice as he left. I walked back home. I was over-joyed. I wrote everything in my diary. I read it and re-read it and smiled all the while. It was such a good feeling. I wondered about a lot of things,one of them being the next time we meet.

~More to follow.

194

We met a lot since that day. He would talk to me at length. I did a lot of talking. He would take me to the ship. It was a proud moment when he walked me up to his friends, holding my hand and introduced me as a well-read girl.Yeah, he did that -Introduce me as a geek. But it was respectful. The Navy folks-his colleagues were kind and respectful, just like him. He would talk respectfully so much that I started growing fond of myself and more than that of him. It was an easy ride after that.

We would talk whenever he was on leave and on land. And when on deployment, he would write, which though passe, was unbelievably romantic. He was a man of honor. Unlike the usual love stories that I watched or read, he was just different. He said it was the sea that turns you in to such kind of person and the responsibility that came along. I loved him. I realized that. I think he did too. But it was never put in words. I was still the un-touched and un-kissed girl of the Sailor. The Navy folks knew me as Sammy's girl. I felt like Olive. He was no Popeye though. Popeye used to kiss Olive! Blah!

"You're a desirable woman", he said one day, all of a sudden. We were sitting at the deck away from prying eyes, feet buried in the sand, enjoying the breeze. I chose to keep quiet. "Don't stop smiling. Ever", he added. I looked at him and back to the sea. "Except when you're kissed", he added not looking at me. "Oh! Don't wory! I have never been..",I had hardly completed the sentence when I felt his lips on mine. That was the first real contact we had since we started dating. It was after 2 months technically speaking. I am clueless as in to put the feeling in words. It was peaceful and incredible. It was effortless and not the messy ones you see in movies. I learned that you could actually kiss without holding each other.

I opened my eyes. I saw the man I want to spend my life with. I knew. "Thank you", I said, not knowing what one usually says after the first kiss. He thanked me with another kiss. This could go on forever.

I was curious about his feelings for me. I was not the type men fall for. I was crude and ambitious. Yet, you do not know when things catch you off-guard and you fall for people you never thought you would. I sank in the cool breeze and my first kiss. I am a romantic. I discovered that late though.

He cooked delicious sea-food. Even if he were not the kind,honorable and the sexy man he was, I would have dated him for all the food he cooked.

~More to follow.

195

Are you responsible for someone's smile, a smile filled with gratitude, a smile filled with hope, a smile filled with desire? If you see that, you will never dare to lose it from your vicinity. The same happened with me. Whenever I see a person smiling because of me, I feel delighted. My passion rose from this experience. My pursuit for that smile, for that hope helped me realize my passion. The quotation that attracts me the most is “Help ever, Hurt never”. I decided to follow that whatever may the circumstances be. Fortunately it gave me happiness, zeal to do something new.

We ourselves feel that what we are doing is just a droplet in an ocean, but the ocean will remain incomplete because of that missing drop. I believed in this theory and started doing little things in my reach through which I can help others. I found teaching is the only thing which I can do at this stage. As Mother Teresa rightly said “we cannot do great things on earth, only small things with great love'. Whatever I have done I did them with great passion and love.

MAD, Make A Difference gave me a platform to fulfill my aspiration and that's my first experience as a teacher. As someone rightly said, to understand the difficulty of a person, put you in their shoes, I came to know the difficulty of a teacher when I became one. It left me with the experiences which can't be expressed in words or gesture. It's an overwhelming feeling which comes along with of mere satisfaction and pleasure, seeing smile and hope in someone's face because of you.

I feel blessed to have everything in my life. I feel relieved when I spend my time with them. I forget all my worries, regrets, aspiration towards materialistic things. I started realizing I'm in better position than many others in the world and decided to help the needy. The only thing I can do to help them now is to share the knowledge which I have and encourage them depending on their talents. Encouraging their strengths, enhancing their negatives and helping them cope up with their studies is what I can do at this stage.

Now, my glee at IFIM is shiksha aadhar through which I'm quenching my thirst, fulfilling my desire, without which my contentment is incomplete. I can cherish every moment with them and whenever I'm hurt, I get motivated by them, they can change my mood and enlighten my face with smile. Their innocent smile, mischievous actions helps me recover from any kind of stress or agony and spread a smile across my face. This isn't for anyone except myself, to fill incompleteness in my life, to get a smile of satisfaction, zeal and enthusiasm to live, to reflect my happiness in others lives, to ever let any regret to come into my heart for not fulfilling my passion.

196

Despite the interminable distance,in a brumous and sunny path

Under a mysterious & transparent condition,alone in his way

He started his journey


He spent sleepless night in desire of meeting his destiny

somewhere in the way of his journey

Sometimes the pouring drop of hopes

where blown away by the blustery winds of despair

And sometimes the violently rushing stream of disrupts drown him

Breathe of zest sail him athwart


Halt came in his journey

he gifted what he has

some misused it & some preserved it

he again started his illimitable journey

with his pals-faith & trust

in the search of new halt

And like this

THE JOURNEY OF LOVE CONTINUES

197

Often labelled as rude & egoistic or glossophobic, meet me I am an introvert. I try to keep it simple and to the point ; no running around the bushes is my trademark. Though my vocabulary is rich enough I don't throw jargon just for the sake of it neither do I wish people to fish meaning out of my verbose sentences. I am always friendly but not shy ,still, a lot of people use the words "introverted" and "shy" interchangeably. Just to clarify ,they don't mean the same thing.

A couple of weeks back I was having a discussion with friends on the topic "Few of the most underrated things in the world" ,when someone compared introverts with the people having lack of confidence. Being introverted has nothing to do lack of confidence. I am not glossophobic ,it's just that my approach is slightly different . I like to gather strength and inspiration from within .I prefer solitude and there is nothing wrong with it. It helps me rejuvenate and reenergise.

Solitude is often related with sorrow and gloomy stuff ,and thus people refrain themselves from any such indulgence.To me it is always emotionless , one can't feel sorrow just by being all by oneself ,it is a myth. What we don't realize is that it offers peace and space to channel your thoughts and consequently helps you to reflect on your deeds. Having said that,it's not that I am incapable of paying attention to my surroundings. I do enjoy company of friends like everyone else.

I have read a few articles on introverts and what offends me most is that a particular section of our society thinks "Introverts can fix themselves and become Extroverts".There is nothing to be fixed here.There is no need to push someone to speak or express more than he wants to. It is absolutely natural and dependent upon the temperament of an individual.This kind of compartmentalization of human beings into Introverts and Extroverts can be detrimental to those who think that there is need to change his/her way of communication.

In the end, I just want to share one of my favorite quotes on introverts.

"For an introvert his environment is himself and can never be subject to startling or unforeseen change" -Quentin Crisp.

Now I need to go back and charge myself , I feel exhausted already . Solitude ,here I come !!!

198


I see a figure with arms stretched wide

Standing on a hill top on a cold night

I see nothing but glimpse of a shy smile

I go towards it , but then it hides


I look down and close my eyes

I sense an electrifying shiver down my spine

I turn pale with fear and my lips quiver

And suddenly I feel the warmth around


This familiar touch assuages my soul

He wipes my tears and brightens my face

He smiles at me with a soothing gaze

He embraces my heart and kisses my forehead


His calm eyes instilled a belief in me

It opened my eyes at the world to see

The place I belong to is a vibrant sight

A silhouette art and yet so bright

199

It all started when I performed well in some of my class exams. I thought I was a very bright student and I wont settle for anything small. Eventually my parents and relatives thought so and I was pounded with millions and zillions of expectation. I appeared for class X exams and missed the overly hyped 90% mark by a whisker. Others thought it was bad luck. My mother said "God might have other plans of rewarding you". I am sure many of you would have heard that phrase from your well wishers. I waited for the reward.

My father always wanted me to be a doctor. I started hunting for the doctor in me. Planning phase started(you know Indians are so good at planning). But in the end I turned into a "Dhobi ka kutta" . Neither did I fare well in my board exams nor I managed to clear any of medical entrance tests.For the first time I faced the national crowd and got a national rank(not worth mentioning). That added to my confusion whether to become a doctor/engineer. Given the limited number of govt seats in Medical colleges I knew its going to be tough. But I thought myself to be Rambo Rajkumar and was sure will ace if I prepare for medical entrance exams for 1 yr. My father saw that Rambo streak in me and let me prepare. I took admission in a reputed coaching institute and started preparing. While preparation my mock scores gave me the hint "Dear Engineer, Don't try to be a doctor. Come soon I am waiting for you." But I persisted and went on. I appeared for every Medical entrance but got as anticipated by you all "Babaji ki Thullu". I was disappointed quite a lot. With that came the real challenge to decide whether to prepare for another year or took admission in Engg. The stakes were high because of the famous phrase "Career ka sawal hai bhai". Also there was a notion in Engineering while campus placements, companies pester you with questions on academic year gap. This time I didn't overestimate myself and took admission in a good engineering college of my state.

Then started my Engineering Saga. As everyone of the AVERAGE ENGINEER breed enjoy these 4 years to the fullest, I was no exception. In the final year I started preparing but this time I was cautious not to turn into the same "Dhobi ka kutta". I took the safer side and started preparation for Campus placements. Finally I landed myself at a decent IT major. As getting into IT was never a herculean task, I aspired for more So I appeared for CAT and XAT that year without any preparation. The results came. I was just hoping to get a decent %ile so as not be humiliated in front my friends. But God had other plans. I scored a mere 38%ile in CAT and 67%ile in XAT.

Continued....

200

Exams went smooth. I hadn't seen him since two months. Thanks to the Navy. They kept him away on deployment. Today was the day of his return. We were supposed to meet at the deck, our spot. There was joy. Joy that I was going to see him and joy that everything was going on just fine-my career and my love. It was too good to be true.

I usually do not groom. I am not so fond of grooming. "If he has to love me, he has to love me the way I am.", I told myself,smiling. Fact was I hated grooming. I never asked him. How weird! An hour to go. I started reading the e-mails he sent me(for the nth time). He really knew how to make a girl smile even through distance. It would be a lie if I say I hardly missed him.

I wondered how things had changed since I met him at the party. My life would have been the same- 'buried in books' . I missed Me-pre-Sam. I was happy that I met him. No doubt. But I realized every time I was with him, he took something from me-a part of me. Every time I lost a little of me. I had changed. I was no more crude and raw and challenging as I used to be. I believe it was this rawness that was my charm.

My clock stuck 12:00. It was time. I knew he would wait at the deck. But there was something which slowed me down. I did not know what. Part of me was longing to see him, to listen to his voice which always had a tingling effect on me, hear stories of his sea-adventures and to kiss him. Part of me was judging me as the person who had changed for someone.

That was never the plan. I did not see this coming.I did not see him being a part of my life. I did not see myself sharing my life with someone at this stage. I did not know if I was being just to myself. There was a reason to the friend-zoning and the staying away. There was a reason to avoiding exploring this part of me.

I was late. I felt terrible. It was not his fault. He loved me. No strings attached. He simply loved me. Why could I not say that for him? Did I not love him? What was happening to me? Why was I thinking this way?

My phone rung. It was an unidentified weird number. I was used to this. He would call at odd hours from odd numbers because of the strict security measures at the ship.At times he would not tell me anything about his whereabouts, bound by the rules. But I knew it would be him.

"Hey Sammy", I answered. My heart felt heavy inside me. It was not his voice.

201

The man on the other side told me to be at the Camp and that it was urgent. I am a foster kid. My father is a retired army man. I knew the drill. I knew that when its the not the voice of the person you expect call from, its something evil and bad.I called up a close friend. I could not do this alone.

"Ana! What's wrong?", Alex asked. "I want you to come with me to the Navy camp. Please. Its Sam". I was teary-eyed. He nodded and ushered me to his jeep. We reached there. Everyone was busy and there were people carrying bodies. My heart sank. I knew something was wrong. I could not breathe. Alex was talking to a senior officer. I stood few feet away. I looked around hoping to see Sam. I kept praying.

"Ana.", I heard a familiar voice. I knew him.He was Sammy's friend."Where's Sam?", was all I could manage. "There was an accident. The ammo went off on the ship." I stared at him helplessly. "Where's Sam? Tell me he is okay?", I spoke through the tears."I don't know, Ana. No one has seen him since the accident. No one could give any information about him."

"He is declared missing from the ship.", Alex said.

It was hard to process. "What do you mean missing? You were with him,Right?", I asked the officer, Sammy's friend.

"I was with him on the ship. But he and I were on different parts. He was at the radar.", he said. "That's close to where the ammo exploded", he added sympathetically. "So, what? He is..Is he dead? he can't...", I could not speak. The pain was consuming me. He can't be dead.

"We can't say that yet.", Alex tried to console me. "So what do we do?", I asked them, feeling helpless.

"We are trying our best, lady! The best you can do is to stay calm and let us do our work!", he said. Alex helped me to a corner. "He just dies? After everything, he just dies? he can't die, Alex."

"I know", said Alex.

The officer asked us to leave and said that he would let us know if there are any developments. There was no news about him. I had called them several times. Hours had passed and I kept hoping against all odds that he would be alive. I prayed to every saint I knew. My body ached. Exhausted, I read his mails again. The last mail was two days ago,when he said he could not wait to see me. My thoughts haunted me. I felt terrible for even doubting my love for him. I knew I loved him. May be I did not deserve someone as kind and honorable as him!

I felt terrible. May be this was the punishment! I wished not.

202

As my joining date was very near , the wounds got a better environment to heal. The training was also very hectic which kept me engaged. So the thought of taming the CAT subsided for a moment. I came to the real corporate world and the wicked, the diplomatic and the inhuman managers. I always had objection to their ways of managing the project. But I was never vocal about it. I was put into night shifts where I directly interacted with the customer and did a pretty good job. Often I worked for 24hrs to handle that tough customer. Soon I wanted myself to be a manager with human side and realistic expectations unlike my manager. And the only way to climb up the ladder was to go for an MBA.

I started preparing for exams in the month of September just 1 month before CAT. I had no expectations from CAT, so I gave my best for XAT. I stayed late at office to study, gave mocks, trimmed my social life and cancelled official trips. Finally the results came. In CAT, I scored 39%ile yet again. I brushed this aside thinking of performing good in XAT. But I was wrong, I scored again 69%ile.With tears in my eyes, I muttered to myself, I will emerge stronger and better next time.I will prepare again.

Next year I joined a coaching center and started everything from scratch, attended the classes regularly and gave all the mocks.Throughout this one year I had my failure lurking behind and success at the end of the tunnel in my sight.This time the sacrifices were even harsher. To keep myself motivated, in my notebook I used to write inspiring quotes and watch motivational speeches. Adding another feather of failure to my hat, I scored 68%ile. Yet again I failed and failed miserably. XAT was the only ray of hope at this juncture and all I could do is to hope. But it was 69%ile.

I still remember I couldn't hear the noise of traffic. I kept walking with a heavy heart and watery eyes. All those tough preparation times came flashed intermittently. I remember regaining sense after I came across a dead end. I always said to my mother throughout the times of preparation "Momma I gave my 100%. Don't worry God wont be that unfair to me."But God had some other plans. Dreams shattered, hopes destroyed, I was left with utter despair and my dark future in front of me. Questions like "Am I not worthy of doing a MBA?", "Why I am so retarded?"," MBA is not my cup of tea." begins to emerge in my mind. What I am destined for?. In which direction I am heading?. Numerous questions baffle my mind and leave me as a person without any goal. In pursuit of excellence all I discover that I am a loser, busy adding feathers of failures to my cap.

203

Dried tears on my cheek irked me. I opened my eyes. I got out of my bed hastily. My head pounded. I hoped that everything was just a dream. And that its 21st again and Sammy is safe and fine. I could not gather if it was a dream or if its real that I may not see Sammy ever again. I sat down on the floor. Held my knees close to me tight, repeating to myself, praying rather that he was alive and he would be here any moment. He would hold me, scoop me in his beautiful manly arms and I would just watch his perfect face all my life. "He just can't die on me!", I said through gritted teeth. It was unfair.

I tried hard to remember the last time we were together. It was short. We did not even talk much. I just helped him pack. And he kept telling me to work on quant and not to miss the application deadlines.I made faces at him and he held my face just then. I saw it in his eyes. He just held me that way and said, "Take care of yourself, for me, okay?" He always took care of me. I nodded. "You too, be safe and come back soon because if you don't I am gonna ditch you and get myself a non-military-domain-boyfriend.", I wriggled out of his huge arms,mocking him.

He laughed with me. "Oh!I am gonna come back soon and you're gonna have to make it up to me when I come back, but until then stay sane and study, okay?".

I nodded as I slid into his arms again. "Don't think I am gonna miss you....Okay Sourpuss!.. Strike that, I am going to miss you so much.", I said rolling my eyes at him. He hugged me tight as he laughed, his laughter ringing in my ears. Everything about him was beautiful. I hugged him too. He kissed my forehead and we said our good-byes.It was not a sad good-bye. It was a hopeful good-bye. Tears rolled down my cheek. It was painful to think about him.

I had never met his family. He always spoke about them. He had a little sister. She was my age. I had no plans to see them soon. Family scares me. He knew that. He never even asked me to. He knew my dad. They always had the long talks-the paranoid military talks, I used to call it.

I was shivering. It was not the cold. It was me, unable to contain myself and exhausted of my helplessness. I checked my phone. No calls. I asked Alex for a detour, just to know. I was hopeful. And praying.

The day passed. I was on the floor-waiting to hear from him. The pain was seeping through. The happy memories would come by and leave with a scorching pain.

204

Days had passed. I went to my routine back. He had asked me to take care of myself so I decided I will do exactly that, if not for me, for him because I was sure that is what he would want to see when he returns. So today was the day, I had worked for. I was numb inside. I was not freaking out like I would have been about my results and the outcome. It was just a normal day without him. My folks were glued to the results screen-with my admit card. I was cooking. I had been cooking since past few days. It helped. It was the time I would not think of him. It was the time when I did not have to feel the anger. It was not pain anymore, it had turned into anger.

My father came in and told me the news. I was at some 98.something percentile. I mean that is a good thing,isn't it? I joined in the mood of happiness with my family. They deserved better, right? Alex came in to see me. He hugged me and asked if I was okay. "Yeah, I'm fine. Why wouldn't I be?", I said, smiling. My friends dropped in. The whole day went by. "He would have been happy.", Alex said. I nodded and went away serving Coke around.

It was late by the time everyone left. I strode into my room,tired. I hated cooking. I shut off the lamps,pulled the blankets over my head and went off to sleep. My phone rung. My heart skipped a beat just then. It was an unidentified number. My hands shook. I froze. I gathered myself and picked it up, "Sam?", I asked. "Ana!", I heard him. My heart rate went up. I did not know what to say. "You're okay?",I managed.

"Ana! I am so sorry.And yes, I am good. And James told me you are good too.!",I heard his voice.

"You didn't call", I complained.

"I know. I couldn't", he said. There was silence.

"I will see you soon,Ana! I have to go, now",he said.

'Please', I wanted to tell him. I had so much to ask. "Okay", I said.

"Take care", he added. I stayed silent on the other end. I heard the phone go silent.

He had been alive all the while.All the time while I was having nightmares about his death. And I had to go through all of that. My little joys were adulterated because of this. I did not know what I wanted now. I really needed some answers. If someone knew why the universe was so screwed up to build emotions and then cause pain, this would be the perfect time to tell me. BECAUSE I REALLY NEEDED SOME ANSWERS!

205

I waited at the deck as he had text-ed the previous day.I turned when I heard the footsteps approaching. He was in his uniform. That meant, he must have reached the land few minutes ago. He looked good. Refreshing and perfect as ever. There was a scar near his neck. He was looking at me. And I, him. I did not want to spoil this. I was really glad that he is safe and okay, and not dead.

He smiled and was about to touch my face when I cringed back. "Don't...Please ", I said.

"Okay", he pursed his lips. I wanted to touch him. But something inside me would not allow me to.

"You look pretty as always", he smiled, yet again.

"You look okay and un-dead", I said, sarcastically.

"Ana!", he wanted to hold my hand but then gave up. He breathed. "Congratulations for the results. Alex told me.I am happy you made it", he said with a smile.

"I did okay. Now, can we just talk? Instead of you trying to make it look like nothing happened?", I asked.

"We'll talk. Will you please let me hold you? Your face?", he asked.

I nodded. He came near. I could smell him after such a long time. I could feel his hands on my face. He was alive. I hugged him and broke down. He hugged me back. We stood in the hug for a long time.

"I was at the radar. But I was summoned by an officer. He wanted me to check the system. And I heard a blast. I was estranged and luckily a few mariners found me. I was at the deployment camp hospital there for days. I could not call you. There were security constraints and I barely knew the Officers there. So, in short, I survived. And I came back here as soon as I could. I am sorry.I really am.", he said. I listened calmly.We were sitting by the sea. He ruffled through my hair as I leaned my head on his shoulders.

"So, what's the plan now? Huh?", he asked.

"What plan?Just stay alive. That's the plan", I snapped back.

"I thought I would never see you again.The accident made me realize that I should tell you something as soon as I see you again, if I was lucky enough to see you again.",he said, looking far into the sea.

I was looking at him. "I love you, Ana! I am glad that I am in love with you. ", he turned towards me as he said that. This was the first time he said the word "love" or specifically that he loves me. I had been nervous about this moment before but today I was not. Wasn't this the moment when I was supposed to say, I love you too, Sam. But I did not. I just leaned on his shoulders. Let the day pass!

206

He looked at me. "Don't you?", he asked. He looked hopefully at me.

"I don't know Sam." I said, turning away.

" You don't know if you love me?", he re-iterated.

"I don't know if I can go through whatever I went through again. ", I said. My hands were folded.

"You don't have to!", he said. I could sense the pain in his voice.

"Sammy, I love you. I have always loved you. But that doesn't change anything of what I went through. I built four walls of our house in my heart. I made big plans. You were my big plan. And us, we were the big plan. And one fine day, I hear that you are dead. That my house will be just four walls. You cannot even begin to understand what I went through.", I said.

"I know, Ana. It was tough. It had been difficult for me too.", he tried to convince me.

"Let me speak, Sam.I was lonely and I have always been lonely. But I was happy. I was more than happy with you. We were happy but this is also a fact that you are going to go on that ship again because its your job and that is what you've devoted yourself too. And believe me, I am proud of you for that but every time you're gonna go on that ship, I will be scared to death wondering if you're going to make home alive. And if so much so happens again, I might even wish you don't survive so that I do not have to go through all of it again! And I do not want to wish that, but if we stay together again, I might. I love you. But this is not going to happen, for whatever its worth. I love you and I want you to pick me and chose me as your girl, I do but that is not happening."

"Ana! Please!", he did not see this coming.

"So, Sam, I am gonna go home and I want you to do the same. This is it.You be happy wherever you are, I'll be happy here.", I said.

"Ana, if you dare leave me, we'll be done, I am telling you, please we've survived the worst already, we'll survive again",he shouted with tears in his eyes.

"We are shouting at each other in the middle of a crowd. We're already over, Sam. That is what I am telling you. We can't survive!", I said, tears rolling down my cheek.

"Take care and you stay happy, okay",I added.

"No! No! NO! Don't do this! Don't walk away! Please". he begged.

I tried not to break down. I wanted to hug him. I knew I shouldn't. I left before I could not hold it any further.

207

There's a reason I said I would be happy alone. It wasn't because I thought that I did not need someone or I enjoyed being alone. It was because I thought that if I loved someone and then it fell apart, I might not make it through. It's easy this way. It's easy to be alone. What if you learn that you need love and then you do not have it? What if you like it and lean on it? What if you shape your life around it? And then it falls apart. Can you even survive that kind of pain?- Grey Quote.

But how do you not feel? How do you not love? How do you take back all the love you showered on the person that matters to you most? How to not matter to the person you love? I was clueless. Completely clueless. But I knew it was for better. For me and for him. So, yes, I decided to put up the walls, a shield.

Its true. I could not bear the pain,his and mine. I wished this was easier and we would have never met-that I had not met him that day or he had not seen me that day. It would have been so simple. We'd have been happy alone. Those memories rushed to my mind. I felt a pang inside me. I killed it. Whatever it was, I killed it. I knew that.

He called me several times post the incident. I was cruel enough to not pick his phone. He tried to visit me but I did not comply. Slowly, he gave up. It was not a good feeling. I tried to spend most of my time with friends.

"Go, kiss him and make things okay with him", Sarah said. She was drunk. She drinks and goes lecturing relationships after her every unsuccessful attempt to date.

"I am sorry, what?", I was surprised.

"Go and tell him internet dating sucks. And what you have or had technically is divine and beautiful. And you are an idiot to leave him and so is he to give up on you", said the booze.

"Ana is a grown woman. Don't tell her what to do.",Alex added.

"You are married, Alex. Strike that.Happily married.You do not get a say.Ana, I am telling you. Go and tell him that you love him and don't tell me you don't, it's written all over your face. You blushed at the very mention of him. Go and live your life with your Sailor. Go to Africa and make beautiful babies like you and him and tell your babies that internet dating sucks!", Sarah breathed.

" I am going Africa with my wife to make beautiful babies", Alex added and we all burst out laughing. Somewhere I knew I liked hearing his name.

I missed him. But I knew I couldn't let myself go insane over him again.

208

My phone pinged. It was a mail. It was his mail. It had been almost a month since we broke up, OKAY! since I broke up with him. I was eager to see what he'd written.

Dear Ana:

How are you? I know you were not expecting this. But you would not pick up my phone or see me so I thought I would write you an email and I hope you'll at least read what follows.

This is not an attempt to re-kindle what we had. I am promoted. And there's a felicitation ceremony. And there's no one to call. Except you. I don't know if you would want to, or if you wish to, but I hope that you'll kindly accept my invitation and be my partner for an evening, Won't you?

I'll wait for your answer. Do tell.

Sam J.

I got nostalgic of the times when he used to write romantic letters laced with love. He would not have asked me then. He would have scooped me right through my house. I turned my laptop on, logged in and wrote a reply:

Dear Sam,

I shall.

Ana.

I was about to log out when I saw another reply. Had he been waiting all the while?, I was surprised.

Dear Ana:

I'll pick you at 6 tomorrow?

PS: There's a customary dance after the felicitation.

Sam

I replied.

Okay. I'll see you tomorrow.

I do not know how I passed the time until the next evening. I tried hard not to think about him, his perfect body, his smooth arms, his voice, the way he used to call my name, the way he used to pin me whenever he felt aggressive, the way he kissed me the first time.

I did not remember the last time we kissed. I tried hard. I could not remember. It was long back. It irked me that I could not remember.May be I did not know that it would be the last one. I sighed.

I started planning my clothes and the accessories. He loved white. He said he loved it when I wore white. So, I picked my best dress-the kind you wear to a social-formal occasion. It was lace and it was beautiful. I chose the shoes to go with my dress. As ever-No make up.

It was 5. I put my dress on and tried to do my hair. I gave up. My hair was the most stubborn part of me. I buckled it up high, letting the strands fall over my face. I practiced not to give that look-That look which says- "I am insanely in love with you." I practiced the look which says-"I 'm happy for you though it doesn't matter much to me", Truth was, it did! I rolled my eyes. Then started reading, so that it did not appear like I was waiting desperately.

209

I heard the door-bell ring. I checked myself in the mirror and ran through the stairs, halting few feet away from the door,I adjusted my dress and checked my reflection on the window pane, walked quietly to the door,unlatched it and opened it with a smile.

"Eww! What have you done to your hair!",snapped Nathan, my 9 -year-old cousin. I opened my mouth and then shut it.

"What are you doing here?And where's mom and dad?", I looked around.

"Oh! They didn't tell you, did they?", Nathan said, walking in, pushing me aside.

"Tell me what? ",I asked,folding my hands,puzzled.

"Umm..Nothing much. Just that you're supposed to look after me today. All four had to go-The town Cul..Something",he said, pulling out my laptop onto his lap.

"Oh no!", I sighed. "And school?", I asked.

"Get over it already! You're the baby sitter today!", he said. Nathan was outspoken and he understood things kids his age would not. Anyone had to extra-careful with Nathan.

I checked the clock. It was quarter to 6. He would be here anytime now. And I could not leave Nathan and taking him along seemed like a nightmare.

"I'm hungry! Ana!", he yelled.

"Yeah, I know. You always are!", I said. "Wait here! I'll bring you something to eat.",I said as I moved into the kitchen.

When I came back with cookies and sandwiches, I was taken aback,"You have a facebook account?", I asked, surprised!

"Yeah, so what? Everyone has! ",he said. "Don't peep! Is there something called privacy here?", he asked.

"Alright. So when are they coming back?", I asked.

"Gotta ask them,baby!",he said without looking at me. He was so petulant.

The door-bell rang. I knew it was him.Nathan was busy glued to my laptop-facebook-ing.I rolled my eyes. I opened the door. There he was in a black tuxedo. It fitted him so well."Hey!", he smiled as I opened the door for him to come in. I smiled back.He was checking me out. I knew he did. I could see his reflection while leading him into the house. I could not help but smile. I made sure he did not see that.

"So this is the guy uncle was talking about? Your boy-friend?",Nathan had big ears and a bigger mouth. Nothing could escape Nathan's eye.I shushed him.

"I am sorry. I had no idea he would come and he is here now and I ...",I apologized.

"Oh! I am the unwanted one here.", Nathan faked sadness.

"Dude! You're not the only unwanted here!",Sam joined in with Nathan,both looking at me. Nathan winked at Sam.

"Right!", I agreed, rolling my eyes. I stood there quiet.

"I am Sam, Ana's friend. What about you?", Sam said to Nathan.

"I am Nathan.", he added. They high five-d.