An Anecdote From my Life

Jobs & Careers
86

A talkative chirpy gal who can talk under the sun from anything to everything. Always pampered by friends used to chat, dance, study, party .

One fine day I added a guy on G mail whom I had just seen in my school days; don't know why in what mood but I just did. Life was still running at its own pace but I didn't bother talking to him for long after adding him. After almost a gap of 6 months, I started chatting with this guy on g- talk, from g- talk to messages and messages to phone calls that is how the friendship began. We had very few things in common but as both of us were studying for MBA, we managed to start a conversation. The genius guy converted one of the top colleges, I was so happy for someone whom I have never met and there he was praying for my admission. Though I converted one college but didn't join. Many friends gave me candid opinion to join but this stubborn gal in me didn't listen to anyone. I started talking impudently with this guy because he was advising me to join and then I refrained myself from talking to him.

After that suddenly things started changing when my entire group of friends left, some for higher education, some for marriage and some went to onsite. I was so damn secluded and started doubting my decision of MBA and started hunting for job. Everything was excruciating me, both in professional and personal life. I was feeling as if I have been battered and bruised by the situations and started asking god for one more chance. The optimism in me was lost somewhere after getting rejected in every job interview.

Thinking and thinking made me morbid; gradually my situation became extremely worse and my health was degrading like hell. I was plummeting to death as if my life was fraught with plight.

Suddenly that guy called completely unaware of what was going on me, forgetting everything what I did to him. He was there with me whenever I need him. In such a chaotic schedule of MBA he managed to find out time to talk to me. I was embarrassed of the sacrilegious behavior I did with the ANGEL (yes he really is one). He solved my life which had changed from vivid story to intricate tale in few months. He became my teacher who taught me that there are ample of things to be happy, a doctor who healed my wounds of despair, a friend who was there when everything seemed so wrong, and a care – taker who calls me just to say “have your meals”.

And yes I have fallen in love with my angel but the one which is so immaculate and full of respect. I don't want to date him but yes want to see how my ANGEL looks like.

87

It always happens that when light goes off, the daily chorus ends and you find yourself in the room alone, not able to sleep, you remember that very person who you actually never forget. The one who is on your mind ever since you have seen him/her for the first time. The one who may mean the life to you. The one who makes you plug in your earphones and feel the lyrics of your favourite love song; every word of it. It may be cold, but you won't mind. You won't cover yourself with a quilt, rather, walk out of bed and take a stroll remembering the one who makes you feel what your life wants, and what you want from your life!

You do mistakes, all for that one person. You vouch for them, stand against world, just for them. You may go a long way in life, but you'll always be ready to head back to the same point at which it all started, just to feel the essence of the very first ping of happiness you had on being with them. However happy you may seem to be, if they are not a part of your life, it will always hurt.

They are someone who have touched you for a lifetime, someone who have rendered you unavailable for anyone else, ever. Someone who may not feel the same for you, but someone who is the only feeling you have. The very touch of that someone makes you feel your complete life is worth it. They are someone for whom life seems a small cost, they are someone who are way beyond your life.

When on your last day you would be breathing your last breath, the one face you'll remember is that of this very person. You will never regret loving them for a lifetime. You can live one more complete life feeling the same for them, with even more intensity and affection.

Under the heat, through the fog

amidst the rain, over the dew

from when I know, till when I die

all I know, is just you!

88

I arrived in college after a couple of months of extreme boredom and joblessness,the summer project which was to last three months was done in 20 days much to my 'disappointment'. So, here i was, back in college, eager to meet the people i missed the most.Well in our first week back a couple of friends and I(Thank you CAT prep!) were invited by some of the ladies to go for a trek.I was the sort of person who would skip breakfast and lunch because i was 'too lazy 'and yet i somehow found myself accepting this invitation to trek "insert unpronounceable name" fort.I often wonder why,perhaps it was something to do with a certain member of the opposite gender and my longing to court this wonderful woman who i had known since my first year ,after two long years i finally decided to 'grow a pair' .So,our journey to "insert unpronounceable name" fort began at the break of dawn and after a couple of pitstops to purchase essentials(read beer) we had finally arrived and as soon as we did it began to pour.What rotten luck! i had finally made plans and mustered sufficient courage to profess my love for this woman and bask in the sunshine whilst doves sang praises and the angels wept in joy,so much for that plan.What i thought would be a tedious journey to the top turned out to be one of the most fun things i ever did in college,battling the forces of nature,slipping,sliding and falling all over place.Naturally we had to take breaks in between(due to the lack of exercise), on one such break when we were nearly there we decided that some of us would push ahead while the others rest.This gave me the perfect opportunity to spend some alone time with the above mentioned woman.The next few minutes of my life remain deeply etched in my mind.We got to talking and i was blown away by this beautiful,intelligent,sophisticated woman who among other things was telling me about her favourite Led Zepellin song!We talked while simultaneously trekking and after a few minutes we made it to the top,by jove! what a sight,a meadow of heaven and in the the midst of this meadow a woman so beautiful, not the kind you lust about but the kind of beauty that made John Keats yelp "A thing of beauty is a joy forever,it's lovliness increases;it will never pass into nothingness." There she stood when our eyes met and suddenly we were uncontrollably drawn to each other,her lips parting a little to meet mine.BOOM! the clouds roared and a voice inaudible at first grew louder and louder,i heard my name,behold! arriveth the Lord and what he said to me next puzzles me to this very day."Dude,we have the morning off,no workshop today."

89

The Great Golden Circus is on show in Mumbai. But, if the last time, you visited a circus was many, many years ago, you may want to skip this one. No wild animals, no dare-devil acts and no crowd - just the shimmering costumes of the artistes to remind you of the days when a circus was the most awaited event in town.

The day this correspondent visited the circus, it had rained heavily the night before and the first show was cancelled. The officials refused photographs since the complex was immersed in water. "As it is, times are hard, you publish such messy photos and no one will come at all," said Mohan Sahani, one of the organisers.

But it is not the rains that have dampened the spirit of Great Golden Circus or any of the other circuses playing across the country. The exit of wild animals from circus brought in the first gloom a decade ago. With no tigers jumping through rings of fire or lions playing ball, the circus began losing its magic.

Only elephants, dogs and horses were allowed to perform but with these animals a common sight in India, why go to a circus to see them? And now, there is talk that even these animals will be banned.

With wild animals gone, it is left to humans to run the show. Hence, a circus typically has endless people-performances in quick succession. Artistes double up with different stunts. At this circus in Mumbai, the trapeze act which was also a craze in the earlier years has mellowed down and there were no aerial tricks in the first half at least.

There were a plethora of 'acts' though. From Nigerians performing gutsy aerobatics to women from north-east displaying daring spear exploits. But even for these, there were no takers - just a handful of visitors huddled in small groups watching the show. Most of these were bored parents accompanying their children.

The organisers are a beleaguered lot. They say their love for the pantomime keeps them going but with no animals and no guests, life is getting only more difficult with every new show. Adds Mr Sahani: "Today children have video games and they go to malls or movies and pass time. There are also animal and nature television channels, so how will a circus compete?"

True, parents who came for the show said that it was a way to get children off their study books and 'mobile' games. But none of them wanted to visit the circus again.

The organisers will have to tweak their antiquated USP and find other ways to get in the crowds and the moolah. May be include some bizarre performances or just get the animals back. Agreed, that circus animals are treated shabbily but nothing comes close to hearing the loud roar of a tiger or a lion while seated just a few feet away.

90

Even after so many years of watching him there, I can't believe I am still so crazy when it comes to our Master Blaster. Such is the ardor for him that I skipped my breakfast, left early for office, just so I could make there on time and catch sight of the Little Master making his way into the ground for the second last time.

It's not just me, I bet there are millions of cricket crazy fans just like me. I guess they don't say 'the God of Cricket' for no reason.

Since childhood, sports for me implied cricket. Taking a break from studies meant playing gully cricket. And watching international cricket matches was also part of my routine. Sachin was the reason I used to watch cricket matches. As soon as he left the 22 yard, I used to turn off the TV. His 186* against New Zealand, his scintillating batting in the '03 world cup to take India to the finals and the most recent ones - 200* against SA, 175 against Australia - all the knocks are still so fresh in my mind.

I can't believe that I also advocated for his retirement. But now when it is actually befalling, it kind of feels bad. Even though he hasn't made many appearances on the field for India after the World Cup, but there was serenity of mind and heart that he is there and he'll be back. But now that he has officially announced his retirement from all the formats of the game, I don't know who to cheer for and who to be mad about. Cricket will never be the same without him.

Sachin Ramesh Tendulkar u will surely be missed :(

91

It starts with the sudden feeling of being sucked into the real world. The alternate world that I was in all this time has disappeared. There is a void in my mind. I look around and try to gather my thoughts. It is already dark and I had lost sense of time, again! Hunger and sleep slowly creep into me. I remember I had something to eat that morning and had planned to go meet a friend for lunch. But it is well past lunch time, and in fact, it is well past dinner time.

What will I do now? It shouldn't be this difficult. Its not like this is the first time. I have been here in this exact same situation hundreds of times. And every time I have experienced these same or a similar set of emotions depending on how good the journey was.There is a sense of accomplishment, for it feels as if I have lived a lifetime in just a few days. But this is immediately followed by a feeling as if the world is crashing around me.

Of late, I have become conscious of this moment and I start to dread the last few hours on the run up to this point. I wonder why I haven't figured out how to deal with this moment in all these years. I bring my attention back to the book I have in my hand. I curse myself for having rushed through the last few chapters. In my eagerness to know how the book ends, I have landed myself in this mess.

I promise myself that I will take my time to digest the end of the next book I read at the same pace I start the book. But that can happen only after I find something suitable to read next. I have to get back to work tomorrow knowing that I cannot pick the brain of the character I had grown so fond of in these past few days. For now, I read the last few lines of the book again and I am reminded of the emotions I had experienced while reading this book. But then, I realize it is time I moved on.

Thats the exciting part about books. There is always something else to read. There is always a new story to be part of. And at the end, there is always the last page, that would make me feel nostalgic about the story that I had just finished.

Well, time to search for something new to read next...!

Re-posted from my blog

92

"DREAMING" is the most wonderful thing in the world.

Every single person in the world loves dreaming.

Dream is the virtual world where we do things which we love and achieve the "dreams" which you have failed to conquer in reality.

Dreams, many times makes us feel good.

A dream works like magic - it has kept me under its spell all the time.

Dreams always showed me the things that the cruel and partial reality failed to show.

You showed me the happiness, success, love and proved that this virtual world is lot better than reality.

You are always fascinating and You never failed to make me high!!!.

You are the first drug which I got addicted to.

When it is dawn I wonder what will I do without my drug?

I have struggled and cried hard to retain my dreams. But as usual I failed.

This made me hate the sunrise, as my dreams say good bye with a sarcastic laughter.

After all, dreams are temporary. :(

93

'Lets have a watch night party'… That was abhinav ..my friend…from kindergarten we were together in same class same bench..So that was him expressing himself on 27th December 2003 that we should party before we all go somewhere else after the exam. We were in 10th std…which was projected to us by our parents as benchmark of our life. We always wanted to party late nit but never thought of it seriously. Plan was set. Abhinav's parents agreed to set this party in their lawn.

It was New Year eve and we all set out to beg, borrow, steal and buy things required for the party. Along with vikram we went to Raju's place to confirm if he's in for the party. It was getting dark. We all parked our bicycles outside and went inside his home. We all were thrilled about the night and finally came out of his house. The plan was to go back to their respective homes and gather by 9 p.m at abhi's place. All that excitement came to zero when we saw two of our cycles missing. Mine & Vikram's. First we thought it's a prank played by someone but later realized that it's for real. Yes someone stole our bikes…we were shocked and scared…Out of anger and fear we ran to nearby places to check but we couldn't find it. Only one thing was coming in mind and that was ……cancel the party…go back home and confess to parents what happened.

I always hear great people saying that life always gave them two choices… Like A R Rahman in his Oscar speech said his two choices were either to love or hate. He choose love and he was there standing at the Kodak theater receiving his Oscars. Life gave me a situation where my two choices were either to sit and cry for what happened or to forget it and live the moment. I decided to go with the second!

Me and vikram somehow convinced our parents to keep the party on. They were angry about our loss but some emotional drama worked there. Party went till 5 am..And it was time to leave…

Arshad,abhi ,vivek,mukesh ,bomri, vikram and me thought of giving a final shot to search the cycles. We went down crossing all lanes and colonies. By the time we realized that we came too far from our homes we saw something which even now if I think gives me Goosebumps. Our cycles were standing there at a deserted place untouched..Unharmed.. I climbed on mine and cruised all the way to my home. Parents were happy to see me back with the cycle.

This was probably the first lesson in my life which I still consider as the best. Life throws many situations at you but always with two options. Either you can sit and cry about it or you can choose to be happy and feel good about it!

94


Today is the last day of my so called 24 year's life,tomorrow I will be turned into Twenty five .In this eve my father and me went to Tamluk ,the place I adore most because of its beauty,its passion,its tenderness and also its history.I think this place has a heart of itself.Every time when I am here,I feel calm,serene,jovial.Today is not apart from that.The most favorite place where I belong to this city is the Barghavima Temple.Loads of time I spent at this temple in my college days.I used to roam the nameless streets of Tamluk with her,the girl,whom I love most.I was missing her very much today, though I know it was just cliche of fate to make me remorse when I was just to be happy. When I was walking on those ways,those turns,those 'gallis', I was just so befuddle that it seemed it happened yesterday, when the girl my side pinching me,running away from me,playing hide and seek,asking me for ice creams or quarreling for no reasons .The last stop at the temple,where we felt a soul together of divine.Embracing our souls listening to the bell ,watching those countless wedding taking place,holding each other's hands that the time could never be passed away,we just dreamed of our future together having cute little babies and fake lovely fights which ever be finished in finding kissing and embracing each other.Those lovely days are now not in my side,the lovely memories cherish me always and I feel loved,cared,finding her always by my side.We used to tie the red ribbon on the tree at the center of the temple asking Maa kali for our prosperous and happy life.Yes it is seemed to be right that she is now happy in her on way and I am happy having the picturesque memory of her love.The love,the affection,the caressing,the kisses,the untold sentences,the misunderstandings every thing,every bits of our soul will remain silent on those pedestals with stairs of Bargabhima temple ,our so called love story will be hidden on those unknown streets,our smiles will be unheard until we find ourselves together,may be not in this birth ,someday,somewhere ,perhaps in next incarnation.Our love may not be eternal ,but believe me I love her and I will love her until my soul dies.

95

I Fall In Love today with someone. Yes 'I' have fallen in love, with a person who is so into me, with the one who has stood by my side throughout my life journey & I Know will always be there for me, no matter what happens. That 'ONE' is my support, my strength when I am weak, My motivator when I get shattered, My source of inspiration when I need. That person has always thought me how to live perfectly. Whenever I was hurt, that one person was with me, to wipe away my tears & boost me up to start it all again.

That Person was always there to share my happiness with me.Whenever I wasn't able to talk to anyone, I spoke to that 'One' only. That person treats me like a Prince. Never lets me feel alone. Pampers me the most,tries to the hardest to get me what I want every time. Sometimes I can't find the solutions, at that time that is the only person who asks everyone to help me out. Takes me out, when I really need some change. In short that person knows every bit of me & I am so in love with that person.

And that person is none other Than "ME" Yeah!! I Love Myself....

Reason being:

I realized it just now. Whenever we want someone to be with us, to help us, to share our emotions,, May be that particular person can't make his/her self available at that moment, may be he/she really wants to listen to you, But at that particular time can't be there for you (Being a person, a soul different than u) Or it may be u can't find a suitable person to share that thing at that time it's only YOU FOR YOURSELF You can be alone , But never feel lonely, If you realize the worth of your Own self. You can dance when you are happy, Go out when you need a change, cry when it really breaks you down .To motivate , To inspire, To give yourself a direction is Entirely within your hands. It's all your willingness to BE YOURSELF.

LIFE is a mix of emotions. No emotion is permanent. So whatever happens, Let it be!! Never be dependent for anything on anyone. As it's your life and nobody else's. No one is going to be there for you for every single second till your life ends. So it's only you who can change the way you are, Help Yourself Grow up Every day.

LOVE YOURSELF, RESPECT YOURSELF, HELP YOURSELF TO BE YOU, TO LIVE YOUR LIFE... #trulyswayam

96


97

And I mean it in good sense :)

It really makes me wonder, how come boys know so many things? I mean, if you are talking about sports, it's not just one sport. They will know everything about every sport- football, cricket, tennis, cycling, swimming, chess. They know it all. They will know who is world champion in which sport, who plays for which team, which team is good, which team is bad, rules of each game, places like stadiums where the game is played, then which stadium is the best one, which team has maximum supporters, which player is gay, which is player is married, to whom, their history, geography, blah blah blah!

I mean, isn't that already too much?

And it is not just sports. They will also know about new technologies like mobiles, iphones, ipads, tablets, processors, laptops, etc. New cars, new bikes.

They will know about movies, old ones that were hit in their times as well as the upcoming ones. They are based on any novel or any real incident. About different actors, again their background, current affairs(pun intended :P) Every possible thing one can know.

They can talk about politics. They will comment on any new law or any new change implemented by government for hours as if they are the ones working on it. They will know everything about who is corrupt, who is not. They will also know any secret motive of a minister behind his move.

It doesn't just end here. They will know about different countries, their history/geography (literally), their currencies, their capitals, their stock markets, their financial conditions, what are they famous for, all other things like that.

Now I might sound sarcastic, but I not being sarcastic. I am just jealous. I am here, trying hard to remember things about my close and dear ones, and these people know about the world!

I feel as if all these things are buried in reins of their brain forever. Whenever any topic is out, they just pull out the remains.

Hats off guys!

Some day, I really wish to figure how they do this. Till then I will continue to blog :)

You keep reading.

98

Frankly, my knowledge and understanding of social issues is pretty feeble perhaps it never bothered me too much, but a small incident compelled me to introspect. I've been living in Jaipur for the past 9 months and since then I've been completely in love with this place (more on this in my next article). Every other day I board the city bus from my place to the coaching center, it's roughly a 5 minute distance and therefore I get charged a minimal Rs 6 for my journey.

The "6" being a number not available in any denomination of our currency, the problem of "change" (khulle paise/chutte) is almost inevitable. Every day I used to see the bus conductor haggle with people to provide him the exact amount. In order to avoid this hustle I always kept ample amount of coins in my wallet.

One day, I offered the bus conductor a Rs 10 note and asked for the ticket (of Rs 6). To my surprise he returned me a Rs 5 coin and walked away without providing me the ticket. Thinking that he might have forgot, I asked for it but in a matter of seconds he vanished somewhere in the crowded bus. I had to get off at the next stop. I shared this incident with one of my friends who told me about a similar incident where he was fined by a ticket checker who refused to believe that the conductor didn't furnish a ticket despite collecting the money.

I decided to do something. Next day, I purposely gave the conductor a Rs 10 note and pushed him to give me a ticket in return. He gave me a look and returned the change along with the ticket.

I know it's a really small issue and no one cares about a rupee or two but these small things mould our attitude in the long run.We keep bellyaching about how our political leaders indulge in corrupt activities but never pay heed to similar and seemingly smaller events. So instead of whining that nothing will change in this country, let's bring about the change instead.

Everyone thinks of changing the world , but no one thinks of changing himself - Leo Tolstoy


99

Day 1, Sunday, 8:00 PM

I had never thought that I would ever write a diary. Primordial conventions suggests it is totally against boyhood, if not manhood, and I owe the Boys Association of India apologies for this aberrant demeanour I am putting on display.

Why I am writing a diary? Well, to be honest, I don't know. Let my ill knowledge of behavioral science take its toll and I have to resort to say that in near future I might be vulnerable to fall in love.

It has now been 7 days in college and hardly had I ever thought to approach any girl of my class until today, a Sunday. In a country where colleges are suffering from a chronic disease called "class-bunk," yes, I went to college on Sunday and the reason has been stated in the first part of this very paragraph; it has been just 7 days and I was oblivious to the norms of college life. I had forgotten to bring an assignment on Saturday, which was the last day of submission, and somehow I coaxed my teacher into letting me submit the same on Sunday.

I reached college, parked my bike in the unusual looking Sunday-parking stand, and walked straight towards the Computer Science Department. Contrary to all my expectations, I was not the only one who had renounced all pleasures of real world to submit a futile assignment; there was a girl as well, standing at the gate of CS department's room with a register in her hand. Fewer the people, higher the confidence and a 'hi' pumped out of my mouth at once and then I went on asking what was looking quite obvious. "Have you also came here to submit the assignment?"

"Yes," she smirked.

With no questions to answer I moved few steps forward towards the desk where I was supposed to place the sheaf of papers. I was wondering why she was still standing at the door and not getting rid of her own papers , but one more question from my side and she could have hailed me as a desperate cheapo so I refrained from asking her anything.

"Is that the place we are supposed to submit this?" she asked pointing the spot I had just left. Yes dumbo, I thought in my mind and answered politely with just a 'Yes.'

"Wait here," she said and almost scooted to get rid of her assignment.

************

"Is there a chemistry class tomorrow?" she asked.

Full time-table was on my fingertips but a prompt answer didn't sound cool in college jargon so I pretended as if I had no idea what she was talking about.

A casual and mostly insipid conversation went on for couple of minutes and it ended with a cliche 'See you tomorrow' that was a wish for her and an agreement for me.

To be continued...

100

Day 2, Monday, 9:35 PM

Her name is Suhasi. I came to know about it today when one of her friends screamed her name during interval. Suhasi was among the most sought after girls in my class.

Yesterday night was balmy and good, but only figuratively, as the sun had adorned Jaipur with bountiful heat rays all day long and its effect could be easily felt at night. Anyways, my mind was preoccupied with the talk we had, while walking in the corridor of our department's building, on Sunday. Few questions were roving in my mind, "Am I over-thinking? What if she already has a boyfriend? Have I really made a mark on my first one-sided date?" At one moment, the rowdy inside me was trying to be indifferent towards whatever related to that girl, and at other, Romeo was vanquishing him. These to and fro sentiments was reminiscent of the time when I poke fun at one of my friend who had shared his love-like feelings thinking I would be of some help. Certainly, the anti-SRK had never overpowered by a soft corner in my heart that was working as effectively on Sunday as on other days.

I was eagerly waiting for the most cursed periodical event of anybody's life cycle, Monday.

In morning, it was the second lecture when she entered the class. Our eyes met but even a formal 'hi' looked like a distant dream as I was sitting beside highly volatile bunch of newly acquired friends. Any hint of something-must-be-cooking could invite a lot of facetious remarks and conventional ridiculous questions.

Lectures passed mellifluously, simply because I wasn't paying attention. I was devising a question or something through which I could talk to her. I had to because I had no other option. An agreement had already been signed, "See You Tomorrow."

I waited. I checked my wrist watch many a times, waiting for the sword looking needle to pierce 6.

It did what it had to but I couldn't. The teacher had left the room, so did most of the students but both of us were still there. She was sitting with her group of friends.

Few minutes passed and it was her time to go to the mess, leaving me in an altogether different mess. I knew I would waste this interval but I still had other half of the day left at my disposal.

continued...

101

These days, from a 6th standard girl going out with her classmate to a 27 year old guy in a relationship with a same age girl, all have one thing in common. They are 'committed'.

How else can we make a joke out of this word?

Half of the young population seriously needs to get clear over the difference between these 3 words-- Dating, Passing affair and a Commitment. Reason?

Well, one of my old classmates told me that she recently broke up with a guy she was committed to since last 2 months. I was very close to laughing. Not because I am heartless, but because I knew it's not going to last. But her lack of knowledge made her use the word 'committed' at a very wrong place.

Yes, it IS a big deal. Playing around with such serious words has become very common, and it's very hurting to hear people say –“I have been committed 5 times in 4 years of my college.” Damn it. That's not a commitment. That's dating or a passing affair or maybe just a one night stand. Any non -serious link up but not a commitment.

Dating someone means trying to know them in order to decide whether you can be in a long term relationship with them or not. A passing affair means going out with someone knowing it won't (and it doesn't has to) last for long. But nowadays, dating someone means you are committed, having a passing affair is also a commitment and a commitment is also a commitment.

Another interesting trend that is being followed since a very long time is that of girlfriend-boyfriend. Just because some stupid person many years back used these words for someone who you are seriously in love with, it has became practically impossible for me to say that a girl, who is my friend, is my girlfriend. It is not a harmless thing to say, given I will have 9 gf's then. Huh! It's ok till one's teens, but it sure sounds very immature to call you soul mate your girlfriend. [Oh sorry, did I use a very serious word (soul mate)? If yes, please go and check the dictionary to find what 'committed 'actually means, the word people use 10 times a day for a person who they are not sure they would be with for the next 6 months].

I am not very good at English, still trying to improve upon it. It is a democratic country, and everyone has a right to say whatever they want to, but I desperately want SOME people to stop making fun of big words in order to make their petty link-ups (if at all they are not the serious ones) sound classy. Owing to the current trend and mindset of people, I doubt whether people will relate to what I want to convey,and a negative feedback is welcome.

102

"When you look into an abyss, the abyss also looks into you." Friedrich Nietzsche

It all started with a failure. I tried and I failed, but I was determined to try again. And hence, I marched into an uncertain territory. I did not know whether it was a right decision to give up comforts and tread into a dark, uncertain future. I still don't know.

I am the kind of person who reads inspirational quotes when in a fix.

“Lahro se dar kar noka par nahi hoti; Koshish Karne walo ki kabhi haar nahi hoti " (Late) H.R. Bachchan

“There is only one thing that makes a dream impossible to achieve: the fear of failure.” Paulo Coehlo

I am that person who reads the stories of struggle of successful people when facing a predicament. I watch inspirational videos, listen to songs, trim my beard, watch a movie, read weird questions on Quora, do anything and everything possible to divert my mind from the thunderstorm inside my head. I do all this and finally came to the conclusion:: I need to take a leap of faith into the abyss of uncertainty.

And so I did.

At first, it was sheer joy; the joy of breaking free from the shackles of job and step towards your goal. I dream a lot, in fact there is so much that floats in my imagination that sometimes, I doubt I might be schizophrenic. I dream of everything that a highly successful person is supposed to have: good cars, foreign vacations, lavish lifestyle and a lot more! But somehow, I have yet not found a definite path leading to these luxuries; may be because I never cared to find one or may be because such a definite path doesn't exist at all. I believed the latter and so put my faith in persistent hard work with perseverance.

My family was and is highly supportive regarding my career preferences; it won't be an overstatement that my parents are my spine and without their support, I probably can't even stand. I took a leap of faith because I knew my parents would find me and pick me up from the darkest corners of hopelessness.

But despite all this, the fear of failure never left me. It kept haunting me. Psychologically, the human brain is wired to be more conscious for the loss than the gain. It means that our brain is biased into worrying more about the failure than the fruits of success. At the back of my mind, there were a number of "what-if" scenarios floating; 'what if I fail this time also, what if I end up losing everything, what if one more year is wasted' and lots more. Slowly and gradually my social life succumbed to these pressures. I lost contact with many of my friends. I stopped enjoying and started taking my goal as a do-or-die game. My journey into the abyss had started.

(to be continued)

103

"From a queen's point of view a 'someone' is the one. But that someone knew that the queen is the 'one'. And for no-one in the world, would that 'one' become the 'some'."

-someone's mind

I was never into this 'one' and 'someone'. Never emotional. Never irrational and never out of convictions. I was always in align to :-

"Some are geeks

Some are studs

All are dogs

None in love"

But since few weeks, I am feeling to have been experiencing a New dimension of life. Little Spiritual & Mostly Magical. Sometimes it seems timeless & boundary-less, sometimes Infinite. Some unknown, Virgin territory yet to be uncovered. For now, the Life and the Times have changed!

Earlier I used to see the world as it would look. Sun shined. People looked friendly. Things were neatly arranged and I would Sleep earlier. Wake up even earlier, watch movies on Saturdays and play cricket on Sundays!

Now it's a different-life alto gather.

I had read somewhere, "Just as there can be a bug in a code, a virus in a system and a simplicity in it's trap, there may be a 'love' in a young & career-driven male."

Also had read somewhere, "the highest 'drive' a young male gets is in impressing that 'someone' to be his own 'one'."

Both of this statements flash in my 'mind' when trying to express the order of my living and the future purpose of my living, for-the, by-the and of-the, * Love of my Life. *

The mind which was once used to be a geek lover, a rational one and a balanced one, seems a rather unbalanced or actually-relatively balanced now. Logic used to flow like a chart and brain used to work in a binary fashion. YES-NO. 0-1.

Now it seems to ponder between the May-be-YES, Somewhat-NO! , 0.37353343, 0.7874567, 3/pi . Everything between 0-1 but 0-1.

Logic is so-so destroyed here. Ocean of something has been seeming to taking me over. Charm seems to generate even out of my unshaven beard. The Spark of the light is wide-spread in Air. If asked how do I FEEL when I think about my future own 'one'? My answer would be the feeling similar to how a 'panipuri-wala' fan would get eating it after a year, a sachin fan looking at his straight drive and watching a small baby smile reacting to our clown-acts!

And if you can imagine that baby smiling, you may as well are finding my joy in the same!

The 'love' of my life, the 'talk' of my mind and the 'queen' of my heart.

-from someone's mind

(P.S. : Her 'Aura' - in next article )

104

Envy is a vicious sin, I couldn't escape its clutches. My acquaintances, colleagues, other people I know seem to soar higher in their personal as well as professional space; and there I was, struggling to make a dream come true. It is human tendency to feel that others are in a better position than yours. It is an irony then, that despite knowing all this, I felt myself lagging behind. I consoled myself by thinking that my time will also come; when my sacrifice will pay off. I put all my energy into that one single goal I had in mind. Nothing else should matter to me.

The stakes were high. There were times when in despair, I used to feel asphyxiated. My life had become a potpourri of various emotional outburts; I used to feel highly elated when my scores were good and shattered to pieces when they were not up to my expectations. I kept pushing my expectations higher and higher and so my frustration levels kept on increasing. It is easy to go from 90 to 95, a bit arduous to increase it to 98 and then the real battle starts. It takes a great effort to make it 99 and then sagacious and scrupulous dedication to cross the magic digits 99.5

Every mock I took was a battle for me; at the end of which I was either in the dark terrains of despair or burst into euphoria. My behaviour and my demenour took a drastic turn: from a gleeful personality to a bored frustrated erratic person. People close to me noticed this and advised against turning into such a persona. They were right. This kind of personality is never appreciated in social circles. But I couldn't make them understand what I was going through. I was like a person dying of thirst in an ocean. At times, I needed to empty my heart, I needed to shout but I couldn't.

Till this point, I had almost ended my contact with many of my friends. My relationships with my closed and dear ones also started bearing the brunt of my idiosyncrasies. I started feeling that I am turning into a psycho.

My parents kept motivating me. They were equally worried about my future. They kept on iterating that famous theoretical quote from Gita:: "karm karo, phal ki chinta mat karo" whenever I was tensed; and my mind replied with the practical lyrics of Linking Park; "..in the end, it doesn't even matter". I never said this though knowing that my parents would come up with one more quote from the religious text.

Is it worth all this?

Probably yes, probably no; depends on your perspective and the result of the most coveted and luck-dependent management entrance test of India. Whatever it be, at that point I was completely lost in the darkness of the abyss.

( to be continued)

First part link:

http://www.pagalguy.com/news/my-journey-into-abyss-a-18057366/

105

continued from - http://www.pagalguy.com/news/diary-romeo-2-a-18055399/

I was deluged by dilemmas, inundated with trivial talks, which were going around me, and feeling frustrated. Why it was so hard for me? Why I was making my heart to beat faster for such a normal thing? I hardly knew anything about Suhasi, except obviously her name, then why I was continuously thinking about her since we had met? Thoughts in my embattled mind came to an halt when she entered into the class again. Interval could still spare a few minutes for me.

At once I got myself buried into the talks my classmates were having which were of no interest to me a few minutes earlier. I just wanted to deviate my attention from her as I still hadn't come up with anything that could land me in terra incognita that was virtually created around Suhasi.

"Hello", a voice came from behind my back.

My head turned 180 degrees. She was standing near my desk. Not only I but 3-4 others boys, who were standing with me, replied with a 'hi.'

Scheme of things were not the way I had thought. There was no 'Plan B.' I was already in unknown territory, with her standing in front of me, and the worse was, I had been pushed into one, unknowingly.

She fixed herself firmly on a table opposite to me, far enough from the bunch of potential eavesdroppers. She was looking beautiful. Had I been able to mold her beauty into words, I would have dedicated this whole page to it.

"You are a day scholar, right?" she asked.

"Yes. Unfortunately", I replied.

"Unfortunately? Why?"

I got trapped in my own net. Thankfully, there were numerous other reasons, other than her, that could account for this word 'Unfortunately'.

"I envy of the freedom you hostelers get", I said.

"You have no idea what kind of savage our wardens are. And the food of our mess is even worse than that of railway cafeteria. You are lucky".

"Well, the teacher is about to come", she continued, "I had come here to ask you out?"

Before I opened my mouth she cleared the air, "Not that kind of asking you out. I mean a friendly outing... this Sunday...if you are free".

"Yes, I am absolutely free," I said trying to veil my exuberance.

"So this Sunday we would have something better than submitting assignments," she smiled.

********

'Computer Architecture' was written on the board, but my mind was preoccupied with what had just happened.

"What were you talking about?" asked Anubhav, probably the sixth time. With no intention to make every thing happening around me a breaking news, I didn't give any enthusiastic reply.

"Net mein practice hum kar rhen hai par century aap maar rhe ho", a tongue-in-cheek remark came from Akshat who was sitting beside me. We all laughed clandestinely, but somehow couldn't escape the teacher's eyes.

to be continued...